He will always be my summer. He will be my barefoot, walking in the dirt, holding a fishing pole. Hugging me, but not too tight, kissing my forehead, but not mentioning feelings.
I never had the chance to know him in any other season. Hot days, driving in his truck with the window down. Revving the engine at red lights. Pointing out houses along our drive, imagining my life with him. But I was only given Summers.
You can't build a life with someone when they're only around for a small part of the year. Summers will always remind me of him. Long drives to see him. Watered-down iced coffee. Tip-toeing around feelings. Smoke. A burning feeling in my throat. Giggling with you.
"We'd be that cool couple," he announced. Wrapping his arm around me. Outside, looking at the stars. Smoke from a fire. Feeling his head rest on mine. His soft beard. My heart jumping for joy, because we would be "that couple". But he only gave me summers.
He told me he liked me. I scared him. He didn't know what to do. He hurt me before I could hurt him. Well shit, he did a damn good job of that. I don't know anyone else who loves like that. Reckless. As long as it's someone else, and not him that's feeling. Hurting. Sitting alone in my living room crying. Wishing that I could know him in any other season. But he only gave me summers.
I've always questioned whether I wanted to grow roots here. When I met him, I knew I'd never leave. When he left me, I figured I had to stay, just in case he came back. Now I know he's never coming back. And I know it's my time to go. Even if he does return, he's not allowed to have any more of my summers.
I say that, but I know I'd give him another in a heartbeat. I'd give a hundred summers just to be wrapped in his arms again. To rest my head on his chest. To have him cover me in a blanket when I nap on the couch. To have him cook me a meal in that tiny little kitchen. To have him drive me to McDonald's for a shitty iced coffee. To sit in the southern sun with him, and wait on a fish. To have him untangle my line over and over again. To hear him call me Chief, just one more time. But, he only gave me a few summers. There won't be any more.
