Winter is upon us, which for SoCalers means two things:
1. There will be an occasional rainstorm that no one will have any idea how to drive in, and so our already terrible traffic will be exponentially worse. This bad weather streak will only be compounded by that fact that in such frigid, sub-600 weather, no one has anything to wear, because shorts and a tank top, even under a sweatshirt, just don’t quite cut it in the brisk mornings
2. It is a social obligation to make the rest of the country hate us by going to the beach in the dead of winter. That’s right, throw on the bikinis and sweatshirts and prepare for some serious anger from your friends that fool-heartedly decided to commit to a school on the east coast, or worse the Midwest, because you are lucky enough to live in a place where the terrible cold season doesn’t exist.
How can I go about this you might ask? Simple, sometime between November and the end of February, get a group of your friends and plan a beach day. This next step is crucial; post on Facebook for two to three days before about how excited you are to go to the beach and how much fun you’re going to have with all your friends. For truly avid trolls, create an event and “accidentally” make it public so that all of your eastern friends are invited, then make a quick apology post on the page and promptly delete the event. You’ve now sown the seeds in their minds that while they can get excited over the fact that classes got cancelled due to the -200 degree blizzard and their university fearing for student wellbeing should they have to go to class, you will be enjoying a pleasant day with your toes in the sand, watching the sunset.
Ironically, the least important part of the whole beach trip is the beach trip. Feel free to frolic about on the sand, dip your feet in the water, play volleyball, lay out and tan, or even just stay in the car and pretend you’re out doing those things because let’s face it, even though we can go to the beach in December, its much warmer in the car with the seat heaters on. The only necessities of the trip are photos. So turn the car heater on full blast, take a minute to get nice and warm and prepare for a rapid fire photo shoot. Appropriate pictures include: bathing suit photos in which the smile on your face hides the fact that you are really freezing; anything splashing, playing, or standing in the water, as long as it doesn’t show you sprinting to get your towel immediately afterward; a picture of the sunset over the ocean, with or without you in it; and of course the stereotypical gazing out over the sea looking like you are engaged in a deep intellectual internal monologue.
Once you have the pictures, the final stage of boasting SoCal’s locational superiority can begin. Take to Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, [insert name of your favorite social media here] and start posting. Slap a filter on the picture that makes it look even sunnier than it actually was and caption it with something along the lines of: “Had so much fun at the beach with all my friends, can’t wait for the next one #sunset #nofilter #blessed #summerinDecember” and sit back and wait for the responses to come pouring in. Expect anything from your good friend saying “I wish I had your life” to that one guy you occasionally talked to in high school going to school in Wisconsin saying “I hate you, I wore six layers of jackets to class today and still got frostbite.” Whatever the response may be, it is sure to provide you plenty of entertainment.
