How Writing My Suicide Note Saved Me
Start writing a post
Politics and Activism

How Writing My Suicide Note Saved Me

Sometimes reaching your breaking point is exactly what you need.

2647
How Writing My Suicide Note Saved Me
Pexels

With blurred vision from eyes filled with tears, I looked at the clock on the nightstand next to my bed that read 3:12 AM. This scenario was one I had grown to know all too well, lying awake at night, head pounding and eyes puffy from sobbing. Begging for sleep to come and give me a break from the pain; but being wide awake, knowing in the back of my mind that the second I dozed off, the nightmares would come. Throughout the day, I can get by through talking to friends or making myself busy, but at night is always when it's the hardest. Knowing I have no one to call and not wanting to disturb my friends or family (because they're lucky enough to be asleep) is when the loneliness hits like a ton of bricks. After lying awake for almost five hours, just me and my thoughts, I made the decision to give in to the thought that kept entering my mind: I'm tired. I tried my best. And now it's time to give up. I tiptoed downstairs so as not to wake anyone, felt the cold wood against my feet and tried to hold in the tears that seemed to have become a part of my identity. I pulled out paper and a pen and I began to write, describing all of the pain that has drained me and taken my spirit, making the idea of ending it (and consequently, my life) so welcoming. I wrote about the feeling that I am too sensitive and too weak to exist in a world that was continuously eating me alive and destroying me. I explained why I felt that the only way for me to have peace would be to not exist. I felt that by continuing to live I would only become more broken, hurt, and used.

After outlining the aspects of my life that led to the decision to end my life, I listed the people, places, and things that got me to where I am now. I wanted to show some gratitude for the positive things in my life that I do have. As I wrote, I realized how long that list was. Hands shaking, I put down my pen and re-read my list. Thinking of all the things that made me happy, I imagined never experiencing those things again. Something about seeing it written on paper caused me to shift my mindset. Instead of focusing on the parts of my life that caused me so much pain, I focused on what has brought me joy. I pictured my loved ones going through the stages of life and me not being there to laugh, cry, or stand with them. I thought about never feeling ocean air on my face and water beneath my feet. Never dancing to "What's My Age Again?" by Blink-182 or any other music; whether it be by myself in my room, out with friends, or in the car with my dad. Thinking about all that has kept me alive, I realized I was not done experiencing what has made me happy. I wasn't ready to give up just yet. If I hadn't written those things down, it would not have been so clear to me that there are so many positive aspects of my life and just how much I have to live for. And with that, I folded up the note as a reminder, went back to the comfort of my bed and decided to keep holding on.

I've experienced a lot of pain and struggle. I know what it's like to want so badly for everything to end and to finally be at peace and not have to suffer anymore. I often feel too fragile to handle a world that can be so unfair and hateful. I know it's scary and it hurts. If you (whoever is reading this) has ever felt this way, try this, because it's so important: just when you think you can't take it anymore, think about why you have carried on to live as long as you have now and write it down. Then, put it somewhere you can look at it every day. Whatever has kept you alive this long and the possibility of new motivators is your reason to keep going and part of what makes your life so valuable. Think of what has made you smile and made you laugh and hold on to it because those things are what make life worth it.

I know how tired you feel, but the fact that you have made it this far shows how strong you are. Think of all you have been through, and you still didn't stop. I know sometimes life can get so hard, but yours has value and if you ever begin to doubt that, look back at your list.

If you need some help getting started, here's mine:

- My four best friends
- Listening to Beyoncé
- My grandpa and my dad
- My cats
- Hot coffee on a cold day
- Seeing the leaves change in the fall
- The ocean
- Watching 48 Hours with my mom
- Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Michelle Obama
- Singing to throwbacks in the car
- Sunflowers
- Making people happy

There are so many people that care and so many reasons to keep living, you just have to find yours.

Resources

If you or anyone else you know is in danger of harming themselves, please take advantage of these resources:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255

This article (written by Kate Fagan) is about Penn runner Maddy Holleran, who committed suicide. This article does a wonderful job of showing how important it is to look out for any and all signs that someone is struggling.

Milk & Honey by Rupi Kaur--this book is especially helpful for young women, containing poetry written by a 21-year old girl about the stages of hardship she has gone through.

It's A Wonderful Life was particularly helpful for me as it puts things in perspective whenever I watch it.

From Your Site Articles
Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Rebecca Alvarez

Rebecca Alvarez is many things: founder, sexologist, CEO, mentor, and more — as a Latina businesswoman, each of her endeavors is grounded in the strong principles of inclusivity and diversity, especially in sexual health and wellness. Bloomi is the product of her all of her shared passions, and with it she has fostered a community of like-minded, passionate women.

Keep Reading... Show less

There is not a consistent standard for health education in the United States. There are a lot of variables that go into this — what state a student lives in, whether they go to a public or private school, and the district's funding and priorities. These variables can be argued for any subject, not just health class. But as we continue to grow as a society, hopefully bettering our education system along the way, it's crucial to consider this often-forgotten element of a child's schooling.

Keep Reading... Show less

In March, the whole country shut down. School was online, extra-curriculars were canceled, and I found myself laying in bed all day every day. One day, as I was laying in bed contemplating my laziness, I decided that I wanted to do something to make myself more healthy. I was feeling so down on myself and my laziness so I decided to make a change.

Keep Reading... Show less
Entertainment

10 Songs That Made It Onto My September Playlist

September is the month for Los Angeles natives and Australian music fans.

1812

The Neighbourhood, Bad Suns and The Driver Era are three Los Angeles bands that released songs this month. Not only was it a month for Los Angeles bands, but many Australian bands released new music — San Cisco's fourth studio album, Surf Trash single, Skegss single, and High Tropics single. I made new discoveries this month and was pleased by the amount of new music.

Read the listicle below to learn what came out this month in alternative rock music:

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

Staying Active While You're Stuck Inside IS Possible, It Just Takes Some Small Steps

I know the last thing you want to think about right now is exercising, but it's time to put down the controller and put on your workout clothes.

93

As someone who has also been living on a bed since March, I can guarantee you that working out has been the last thing on my priority list. It's pretty far down there, along with my motivation and brain cells I used to use for work. However, I have made an effort in the past couple of weeks to move up exercising to at least number three on my priorities list.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

I Got Clean At A Very Young Age, And It Honestly Saved My Life

At 18, the world looked so much different for me than it did for most other 18-year-olds that I knew.

312
Emmie Pombo

Going into rehab when I was 19 was hands down the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. My addiction started when I was around 17 and spiraled and spiraled out of control, as addictions always do. However, looking back, I'm so lucky my addiction started and ended when it did.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

7 Things Your Partner Can Do To Support You When You Have PCOS

Don't be afraid to ask for help or comfort if you need it.

11940

Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) may not be totally visible to the eye, which makes it a lot harder for your partner to understand what's going on with your body.

If you are in a relationship, it's important that you communicate your PCOS symptoms with your partner. I say "your" symptoms specifically because everyone's symptoms are different.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

I Watched 'The Social Dilemma' And YIKES, I'm Terrified For The Next Generation's Mental Health

Millennials can remember a time without online social affirmation, but we may be the last ones.

6340
The Social Dilemma / Netflix

I've been in a media job for the entirety of my professional career. From part-time social media internships to full-time editorial work, I've continued to learn how to tell stories, write catchy headlines, and keep people interested. I believe working in media is a big responsibility, as well as a valuable way to advance our world.

Keep Reading... Show less
Politics and Activism

One Indictment, Three Charges, And No Justice For Breonna Taylor

We can't settle for this decision or a system that is fundamentally broken and unequal.

18810

On March 13, 26-year-old Breonna Taylor was fatally shot in her apartment by police who were executing a "no-knock" warrant. Since then, there have been rallying efforts both in the streets and on social media demanding justice for Taylor and keeping her name known.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments