Five years. It's been five years since I hit bottom. five years since my world came crashing down. Five years since I fell into the dark pit of depression that engulfed my life for far too long.

I had a perfectly normal childhood, free of any pain or abuse that could have caused my crash. I played with my siblings and liked being outside. I liked playing with baby dolls, took dance lessons, and played t-ball. I had a steady group of friends all throughout elementary and middle school. Nothing in my life had prepared me for what was to come.

Entering high school can be a little bit of a culture shock for many students. I was one of them. I was in what I thought was a steady relationship, and my circle of friends wasn't quite as close, but we were managing. That winter everything changed.

My mom and I have always had a bit of an odd relationship. We are either best friends or we hate each other. There isn't much of an in between. During this time in my life, we were fighting even more than usual. I didn't know it, but I was beginning a spiral that I wouldn't be able to stop. I went to school, practice or games, came home cranky and stressed and argued with my mom. I stayed up late trying to keep up with homework, often getting only 4 hours of sleep a night. Then things took a turn for the worst.

In a matter of just a few short weeks my life spun out of control. My relationship ended. I learned my dad was having an affair. Arguments with my mom grew. At some point I looked around and found myself alone. My friends were gone. My relationship was gone. My family didn't see my pain. No one knew how hurt and alone I felt.

My days were dark and the nights darker. I was sleepwalking through the day. Eyes down. Mouth shut. Go to school. Go to practice. Go home. Late at night when everyone else was asleep I would cry. Every. Single. Night. I curled up in my bed upstairs all by myself and cried. Hot tears streaming down my face, my body shaking as I sobbed uncontrollably until my chest ached and no more tears could fall. Then I sat in the dark, numb, staring at the ceiling. This was my life. Day in and day out.

I'm not exactly sure when, but at some point that winter I made the decision to end my life. I was tired of trying. Tired of fighting. I saw no way out and no reason to keep going. I didn't believe life would get any better or could ever be worth living. My decision caused me no fear, but I was worried about leaving my family behind. My sisters were 10 and 6, and my brother only 3. What would this do to them? And my parents, grandparents, and friends? I couldn't leave them without a goodbye.

I wrote a list of all the people that mattered most to me. Then I began writing. A letter for my mom, a letter for my dad, a letter for each sibling and my closest friends. One by one I crossed names off the list. I folded up each letter and stuffed them into a folder I kept in my night stand. I decided how I was going to do it. I chose a date. I kept writing.

My letters kept me going. I knew I couldn't give up until they were all finished. Those letters ended up being the thing that saved me. My mom found them in my night stand. My life was a whirlwind for a while. Psychiatrists and counselors trying to fix me. Searching for a diagnosis to label the sadness that captivated me.

At some point I realized I didn't want to be sad anymore. I didn't want my life to end this way. It wasn't a change that happened over night. The pain, the tears, the darkness. All those things stuck around for a long time. Little by little my good days began to outweigh my bad days, until one day I woke up and realized I was happy. Really and truly happy.

I'm not saying it's easy. I'm not saying my story is the same as yours. I'm not saying healing will just happen. I'm saying it's possible. I'm telling you there is a life beyond the pain and suffering. I'm telling you the hurt you feel at 14 will be a distant memory in just a few years.

I'm telling you life is worth it. Your future is full of endless possibilities. Go to college. Meet new people. Fall in love. Build a life you want to wake up and live every day.

If you stuck around and read my story I likely know you, or you have experienced this pain yourself. If you are the latter please, I am begging you, reach out. Talk to your mom, a sibling, a friend, a counselor at school, a teacher. Anyone. Let someone in to your world. I know you're hurt. I know you're scared. Please hear me. It gets better. I promise.