Literally a week after my ex-boyfriend broke up with me, Brockhampton's new album, Ginger, released. I was devastated. He was the one who recommended the song, "1999 Wildfire," to me two years ago and I instantly fell in love with the rap boyband. I felt as if the world was out to get me – everything reminded me of him and our bittersweet breakup.
When the album dropped in August, one of my closer friends sent me "SUGAR," and told me to listen to it immediately. It was his new favorite song and they were excited to hear me share the same sentiment. Within the first three seconds of the song, I broke down into tears hyperventilating, because it was exactly my situation at the moment. I was alone in my room, wanting so desperately for my ex to call me back and tell me that everything was a mistake – that everything will be okay and that he still loved me.
And my friend was right. It was my favorite.
It was my favorite because I was so heartbroken, because each line pulled at my heartstrings the same way I would pluck my guitar strings in attempts to distract myself from anything other than him. I kept hearing the lyrics in my head throughout the day for months – in class, during work, and while I was out with my friends or family. I heard the lyrics everywhere. It was haunting, obsessive, and unhealthy and yet, I was so deeply embedded to the weight of each word and how it hit so close to home.
Ironically enough, Brockhampton released a remix of "SUGAR" featuring Dua Lipa a few days ago. While I've rid myself of the unhealthy obsession of listening to "SUGAR" over and over and the association it held to my most recent ex, I still love the song no less than I did in the past. When the same friend I previously mentioned had sent me the remix earlier today, I was nervous with anticipation. Would I react the same way as I did 6 months ago, or would I listen and enjoy it without making any connections to the past?
Luckily for me, it was the latter.
I no longer think about how much my heart hurt when I listen to this song. In fact, my first rational thought after listening to the song was slight disappointment because I was expecting to sing along with Dua Lipa, but the lyrics were slightly changed, so I couldn't. Nevertheless, I enjoyed listening to the remix and am glad I have opened my ears once again and enjoy watching my personal growth based on my reactions to this single song. The same lines that used to haunt me prompts happy body rolls and smiles instead of small bursts of uncontrolled tears.
"Do you love me?"
Those lines still continue to repeat in my head, and honestly, they don't bother me anymore. I love myself and who I am aspiring to be. Speaking of which, it is almost 7 o'clock on the dot, but alas, I finished writing this at 6:45pm.
