Valentine's Day is steadily approaching. This means “love” will soon be shoved in your face via pictures of flowers, chocolate and cuteness on, hmm...let’s see… Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace (if you’re into that) and every other digital medium that exists. If you’re bitter and lonely like me, chances are you already have a list of anti-love themed activities to throw yourself into on cupid’s glory day.
Here’s a few ideas:
1. You’ll have to start the night before. Shower? Nah. Don’t bother taking off your makeup either. Wake up with that black under the eye, raccoon look. Own your inner animal.
2. Definitely do not brush your hair. Snarls and gnarls are more fitting for the anti-Valentine aesthetic we’re going for. Living creatures embedded in the locks are encouraged.
3. Put on your ugliest underwear and an oversized T-shirt from some random service activity in 2011.
4. Watch "He’s Just Not that Into You" to remind yourself that he really just isn’t into you.
5. While watching, feel free to fart in your sheets. Pull the blanket around you tight to keep the warmth in.
6. Swipe right on every profile on Tinder. Chances are you’re halfway decent looking in the pictures you post and you’ll match with the larger majority of them. Wait for the messages to roll in. Read said messages, and reaffirm your knowledge that men suck. Here’s an example of a Tinder message currently sitting unanswered in my inbox, “Are you a fruit? Because honeydew you know how fine you look right now?”
Heck yeah, I’m darn cute in my worst pair of underwear and a ratty T-shirt from 2011.
7. Eat an obscene amount of food. The greasier the better. I recommend a quesarito from Taco Bell, and you can never, ever, ever go wrong with good ole Ben & Jerry’s. If you’re into healthy eating, toss that salad and chomp those apples! Treat yo’self better than any man ever could.
8. Make popcorn. Stalk your ex(es) on social media. Let the popcorn crumbs fall down your shirt, it will be oddly fulfilling to find extra in there later. Laugh at ex, and reflect on your failed relationship. Continue on being a crummy human being, literally.
9. Take a trip to a scenic, public destination by yourself. Make sure your eyes are still black, your hair is still unbrushed (and not in the sexy Kate Moss way) and your outfit still screams, “It’s laundry day.” Insert yourself somewhere where you enjoy a prime view of all the happy couples celebrating that they have someone to call their valentine. Drown in self-pity knowing that you don’t have this person, and probably will not any time in the near future.
If you’re currently single and this doesn’t sound appealing to you, I’m terribly sorry. Valentine's Day just isn’t a day for the lonely hearts. Maybe you’ll click with someone special and have an opportunity to be warm and mushy next year. But for now, you’re welcome aboard the solo train. At least we have quesaritos.
