Study abroad.

Those two words have followed me around ever since I learned of their existence in middle school.It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do and all that I knew I wanted out of my college experience.

Yet suddenly I was a rising junior, and the realities of study abroad hit me hard as I was accepted to my top program and putting my deposit down.

I was over the moon, ecstatic, thrilled. This was what I wanted, what I always wanted.

As the countdown I set up on my computer began to get smaller and smaller, a little voice in my head got louder and louder.

I brushed it off, I was in the middle of finals. I was stressed, I was tired.

Yet the pit in the bottom of my stomach was not going away and as I said goodbye to my friends who would not be joining me abroad—one hugged me and said “stay safe.” Those two words a chilling reminder of the little voice in my head.

“I will! Don’t worry.” I smiled back and waved her goodbye.

But that isn’t a promise I can make.

The harsh realities of the world we live in are not only unpredictable, but violent.

No matter where you are, where you live, or where you’re headed—nowhere seems safe anymore. Schools, movie theaters, holiday bazaars and even concerts have become violated. So with all of this knowledge, why would someone fly closer to areas of intense conflict and violence, instead of safely staying an ocean away?

This is the point of divide within myself.

I have said many times before that I refuse to live in fear, because if you succumb to the concept of fear you will miss out on all that life has to offer.

But I am afraid of studying abroad because I am not only moving to a new country, and engaging with a new culture, but I am doing so at a time when the world is a very unpredictable place.

I am excited to have this opportunity, and over the moon about getting the chance to explore the world—but I realize that I also need to be extremely cautious.

I have always been the person who could not stop talking about the concept and idea of studying abroad. I was the first person in my friend group to decide they wanted to study abroad, and I was the first person to apply to my programs.

Studying abroad was and still is my dream come true, but I will not ignore the looming and unspoken concerns that circulate around living and traveling within Europe.

This is all that I have ever wanted, but not in the type of climate I was hoping to experience it in.