What do I want to write about? What makes me an interesting person? Taking on any writing project always begins with these questions and how you can move people by such deep meaning in your words. I kept going over in my head, what can I, Devin Braaten, say that I feel needs to be said? Taking a look in my past I found something I could really connect with: What makes me, well, me.

I grew up in a small, conservative, Christian town of Haines, Alaska just north of the state capital, Juneau. Maybe you have heard of it, maybe not. Either way, you get the picture. Where everyone knows you by your name.

The kids I grew up with were all about sports. Then again so were all the parents. Sports this, sports that, can you sports, how well can you sports? I didn’t like sports, basketball in particular. Playing in basketball meant I had to be around my bullies. A lot of whom were three times my size, jacked up on, you guessed it, SPORTS!

It all started back in the sixth grade. I call this time of my life "hell." It was then we started to shape into who we are, you know, hormones and all. It was then that the insults and ignorant comments started. To this day they have not ended.

I cross my legs “like a girl.”

I cry as much “as a girl.”

I walk “like a girl.”

I act “like a girl.”

I sing “like a girl.”

I run “like a girl.”

I’m emotional “like a girl.”

I talk “like a girl.”

I dress flashy “like a girl.”

I wasn’t masculine enough to be a guy and didn’t act like a “man.” I am a feminine person. I never fit in to my peers’ description of being a “man” and ever since the 6th grade I have been called gay for not being “masculine” enough. What is masculinity and why is it so bad to be feminine while being a guy? So I tried to hide my femininity. So I decided to play basketball to hide being feminine, or at least mask it by being “manly.” I hated it. Obviously.

I hated who I was and I hated everyone for pointing out what I used to think were my flaws. It was a struggle. Every day I was bullied at school for who I was and every day I would come home crying… “like a girl.” At one point, I would beg my mother to stay home from school because I didn’t want to go to school to get bullied. I was a feminine guy living in a masculine town. I hated myself for walking differently, showing emotion so easily, acting differently, dressing up or singing etc.

Mrs. Land was my choir teacher K-12th grade. She really tuned me into being a musical person (pun most definitely intended). She taught us how to sing and more importantly, how to sing well. I loved it! I loved to sing! I became good at it. It became my passion and then it became the central point of my ridicule. So, I tried to hide it by not singing the best or singing hardly at all.

I didn’t know who I was at that point anymore. I was a figure masked and contained within the confines of what I thought was “masculinity.” What society told me was masculine. It was about the eighth grade when I started suffering from moderate depression. I was living in the definition of “masculinity” but hated every minute of it. I wasn’t myself and I wasn’t really living.

My dad was the one who showed me what it meant to be a man. Being a man isn’t about who is the strongest physically or least vulnerable. Being a man means showing love, compassion, understanding and justice. My dad is amazing and thank goodness he knew how to handle this situation and how to help me. He saw me struggle and I am sure that every day it tore him apart seeing me like I was.

Instead of sitting me down and having the “how to be a man” talk, all he did was show me. He showed me what it was like to be a real man and most importantly, he showed me the importance of being yourself and how to love. I hadn’t really noticed it before, but my dad is a very quirky guy. He smiles a lot, he jokes, he laughs, he puts himself out there, and he allows himself to be vulnerable. He loves me so much!

I am 2000 miles away, and I can still feel his love for me everywhere I go. He lead me to be who I wanted to be. By high school I started excelling in sports, had more friends, excelled in music I became a happier person. I started to enjoy basketball, surprising I know, and I was finally who I wanted to be. I was still ridiculed, but it no longer mattered; I loved who I was and I brushed off all the rude and nasty comments. I don’t act like a girl or sing like a girl or show emotion like a girl, or dress like a girl. I act like Devin, sing like Devin, show emotion as only Devin would, and I think I dress rather nicely, thank you very much!

What I want to leave with you is this: I am a feminine guy, if you haven’t got that by now. And there is nothing wrong with being a feminine male heterosexual. Don’t live to be something you are told to be, or be something that you are not. Be yourself. You are already an amazing and beautiful person that should never be masked or hidden. You are you and there is no person that can tell you otherwise. Be beautiful, be yourself.