After I was submerged in the lukewarm waters of that pool and emerged as one of your soldiers, I see now that the cold air that greeted me on the other side was the first reminder of how brutal this war with myself would be.

I feel like I've been cruising through this life as if it were a test that I was only kinda prepared for. The multiple choice portion was easy, containing only a few poorly worded answer choices, and a couple spots where the only way to find the correct answer was through process of elimination, but now I've found myself stumped on the short answer portion where I'm supposed to show my knowledge of the chapter by using my own words.

If we're looking at it in that sense, my life has been one huge test full of essay questions, and as I sit with my head in my hands and search for the answers, I come up short. Completely discouraged, I scan the faces of my fellow classmates. I see them furiously scratching their pencils against their tests, and it saddens me when I realize that the test has come so easily to them.

I see so many testimonies of your work, and the thought of other people's happiness energizes me, but when I go home at the end of the day and sit in the dimly lit space I call my home, I find myself aching for your presence.

I was always told to praise you through the good and the bad, but when it gets bad, I can feel the pressure building behind my eyelids, and the warm tears that I hold back constrict my voice and keep me from calling out to you.

The days when I give you praise, I feel as if you may not take me seriously anymore. I have offered you so many promises and failed to live up to them all. The silent curses that only you can hear must burn your ears and furrow your brows, but despite it all, I know that you know my heart.

I am humbled by your grace, but curious about your existence and with each prayer, I hope that you see my effort to keep you in my life.

The things that I thought made sense just don't add up anymore, and you always said to trust in you, so here I am today asking you to show me a sign. Something... anything, telling me that I am on the right track. Don't get me wrong, I know that you didn't have to give me this life, but thinking about my purpose, and if I am fulfilling said purpose, has forced me to focus my attention on flourishing in my next life versus how to bide my time in this life. Some things just don't make sense in this life, and I get that, but help me to understand these thoughts of mine. Help me to guide the souls as lost as mine.