Being in an abusive relationship is one of those things that you never thought would happen to you until it does.
Unless you are in/were in an abusive relationship with a partner, you will never understand what it is like and the mental and physical toll it takes on a person's body. Although I would never want someone to have to go through what I go through on a daily basis, the most frustrating thing is that no one truly understands. And to make it worse, people don't understand the impact of their words when talking about an abusive relationship.
Here are five things not to say to someone struggling with an abusive relationship, and five things you can say instead.
1. "I know how you feel."
Like I said above, unless you've gone through it, you don't know how they feel.
Instead, you can say, "I'm here for you." This validates that you're willing to listen to try to understand or empathize, but that you don't undermine their feelings.
2. "It could have been worse."
You only know what they choose to show or tell you. No one wants anyone to have to encounter this, but no matter how bad it is, doesn't mean their feelings aren't valid.
Instead, say "I'm sorry this happened to you." This way you're not putting more negativity in a situation.
3. "You need to move on."
Imagine looking at anything, or hearing a simple phrase as you walk past a stranger and get a gut-wrenching feeling in your stomach. This happens to me countless times in a day. I may need to learn how to cope with this, but I will never move on. This isn't something you put in the past and can forget about.
Instead, try saying "Is there any way I can help you through this?" It doesn't have to be specifically YOU helping, but maybe looking for therapists or groups to talk to, hanging out more often, getting lunch, etc. The small things really do help and matter.
4. "I can't imagine them doing that."
This is where victim shaming comes in. I would never make up a story about how I've been hit, or why I have a bruise on my arm, or why my wrist hurts. You can't imagine mass gun shootings, but it happens. You can't imagine someone committing suicide, but it happens. Can you imagine someone being abusive? I can.
Instead of victim shaming, try saying, "That's very surprising to me, but I'm sorry you had to go through that with them." You're allowed to be surprised! This way you're not making the victim feel gas-lighted.
5. "You look so happy, you can't be/couldn't have been in an abusive relationship."
In this picture, I was 93 pounds. Severely underweight. Senior year of high school I was in the worst of my abusive relationship. I may be smiling, but my body was crying out for help.
Instead, you can say, "I had no idea you were going through this."
6. "Why didn't you just leave?"
This is (in my opinion), by far, the worst thing you could say. Many domestic abuse victims can't leave without the fear of getting physically hurt, or stalked afterwards, or in fear their abuser might hurt themselves if they left. It is a huge blame-game on yourself. I will shout this from the rooftop forever and ever. You won't, don't and can't understand until it happens to you.
