Today I was scrolling through instagram and noticed a high school acquaintance post a picture of her on the beach with the caption "I'm here at my 9-5 wishing I was still fun-employed". That caption made me cringe because as someone who is currently unemployed I know for a fact most of my days aren't spent in leisure. That's not to say that I don't have my hours where I binge watch Grace and Frankie, because lord knows I do. That's just to say that along with that leisure comes hard work in its own form.
For me unemployment means stressing about job applications. Unemployment means submitting applications only to be rejected time and time again. Just today I got an email back from a company saying that upon review of my resume, they decided not to send my application forward but that they aren't obligated to tell me why my application was rejected. Which let me tell you, is a load of bull shit. But anyway, to me it's receiving these generic rejection emails which is the most depressing part. I always get depressed reading them time and time again because I start to question if I'm a loser who is incompatible with the work lifestyle. This leads to me questioning my self-worth and my will to live diminishes as I start to question what my purpose on Earth is. Which may seem a bit extreme but when everyone I know is not only working 40 hours a week but actually loves what they do, I start to question what's wrong with me if I can't hold down a job let alone find anything that speaks to me when I'm job searching. To me unemployment means depression and anxiety attacks at all hours of the day. Being unemployed for the past month has made my depression and anxiety considerably worse than before. I often wonder if I should go back to therapy but I wonder how that'd really help as I don't have the budget for that as my insurance doesn't cover mental health. Gotta love the American Healthcare system am I right?
To me unemployment means cleaning the house and doing the dishes since I don't have an excuse not to do them. Which don't get me wrong, isn't that big a deal but sometimes it'd be nice not doing them. It'd be nice not to feel pressure to get it done so I don't get slack from my working full time housemates. But maybe their reaction is more in my own head then how'd they actually respond. Actually I can guarantee they wouldn't care or say anything. I wasn't kidding when I said unemployment makes my anxiety worse.
Because of these struggles, I am eager for the day I can get a job and be successful. Maybe then I'd feel like a useful member of society. Until then, I will just continue doing the unemployed grind as I know that I'm not really living the charmed life that my peers and my parents think I'm doing when I say I'm unemployed.
