I am a foodie. I strive to make the most of my three meager meals a day. Making the most of these meals means achieving optimal tastiness, and a big part of that is figuring out the best approach to eat whatever food I am eating.
Some foods present little challenge in eating optimally, like an apple or a banana. Others pose significantly greater challenges. Some snickety-snacks push our limits, audacious appetizers test our palette, eggs-ellent entrees leave us pondering between bites, "where should we strike next?"
Here are six of those brain-bending foods.
1. Chipotle Burrito
This has always been my greatest challenge. Since man first walked the earth there has only ever been one rule, "once a burrito is picked up and bitten into, it shall never again be put down."
This may sounds like poppycock, but just look at Ron Burgundy above. He broke this rule and then Baxter got punted off a bridge.
The never-set-a-burrito-down rule poses important practical questions. Do you take the wrapper off at the beginning or leave it on, potentially having to put the burrito down to remove it and risking being struck down by the heavens in the process? Do you get lots of ingredients, and risk burrito-splosion? Do you forgo the burrito entirely, and just get a bowl because let's face it you get a lot more that way anyway?
Beyond the forbidden-burrito-setdown, each bite presents its own challenge. With every nibble, a new, never before seen burrito biting situation arises. How do you take a bite so as not to lose any beans, corn or chicken? How do you avoid spilling any of the juice that has accumulated at the bottom on your hand?
Powerful questions are generated by the great Chipotle Burrito indeed. Not once have I finished a burrito and thought, "yes, that went well" (always tasty though).
1b. Chips and Guac
This is less of a challenge of how to eat and more one of rations. One does not want to finish chips before guac, and one does not want to finish guac before chips and risk losing all reason for chips entirely. This requires an eye for proportions and a head for math to figure out the perfect chip-to-guac ratio.
2. Watermelon On The Rind
A tasty summer food, but also one of life's great existential questions. How do I eat all of the watermelon on the rind without it once touching the rest of my face?
3. Hot Pizza
Beyond the joy that pizza brings to the soul, it also presents great challenges to the mind and the mouth. Do you fold it? Do you put red pepper on it? Is pineapple a legitimate pizza topping?
The true challenge though is in eating a hot pizza. How do you guage the risk-reward scenario of waiting for it to cool off?
I am impatient with my food, and invariably go in too early, thinking that this time I will perfect the art of the small bite that keeps the steaming hot sauce from burning the roof of my mouth. My delusions never hold true, but the burn is always worth the taste.
4. Bread-As-Appetizer
Oprah has it right. I love bread. The ever present dilemma is do you eat infinite rolls at Texas Roadhouse and never finish your meal? Or do you deny yourself pure ecstasy under the pretenses of "it's high glycemic" or "calorie dense"? There is no in between either. Either infinite bread or none.
If it is none you have my respect. It takes a strong person to say no to those buns.
5. Skinny Pop
If Warren sits down in a room and opens a bag of Skinny Pop, does anyone ever see it again?
Strategies for Skinny Pop do not so much include how to eat it, as that answer is always grab the largest handful possible and shove as much of it as possible into your mouth, letting the rest fall on the floor. The real strategy is in not eating the whole bag at once, because it happens. Frequently.
6. Sharing A Pint Of Ben & Jerry's
I hope you find you a partner who lets you hold the pint cup. That's true love right there.
