We’ve all overheard that conversation in which a group of people gossip about the sexuality of somebody they don’t know. This conversation always turns into a competition of who can most accurately guess if the stranger they’re gossiping about is straight and/or cisgendered or not. The people taking part in the conversation will often argue their conclusions and point out certain aspects of the stranger’s dress, mannerisms, and overall appearance and argue the sexuality and/or gender of the stranger using a number of hurtful stereotypes to drive their point home. They’ll look at who they think is a trans woman and point out parts of her body as “proof” that she’s not cisgendered, or point out a man with gel in his hair and stake his amount of hair product as “proof” that he isn’t straight. At one point, someone within the group will try to assert their point by saying they should be trusted on the matter: they have “excellent gaydar.”

To begin, the normal approach to an essay of this type would be to lead with the obvious by saying you cannot tell a person’s sexuality or gender by looking at them. I’ve already made this point in previous essays of mine, countless times in real-life, and honestly am grow tired of making it again. You obviously cannot actually tell someone’s sexuality or gender just by looking at them, but that’s not the argument against gaydar I plan to make.

The real point I want to make is that this practice of trying to guess the gender or sexuality of a person who you don’t know is harmful especially if you identify as cisgendered and/or heterosexual. Further, your gender identity and sexual orientation are related to how harmful this is. If you are heterosexual and trying to guess if someone identifies as a marginalized sexual orientation, or likewise, if you are cisgendered and trying to guess if a person is transgender (yes, this even counts if you are LGBT and cisgendered), then you are participating in trying to out someone who may not want to be out to you. You are boiling millions of people’s identities into a handful of characteristics you use to stuff us into categories that are comfortable for you. You are using the same tactics more extreme bigots use to target us for physical violence. LGBT individuals are more likely to be targets of hate crimes than any other minority group. Even if your intentions are innocent, please keep your people-watching to spotting things that may not potentially lead to violence towards that person.

When you are cisgendered and/or heterosexual, whoever’s sexuality or gender identity you are trying to guess is of no consequence to you. The only real exception to this is if you are a part of the community of the person whose sexuality or gender identity you are trying to guess. A person trying to identify other people whose marginalized sexuality aligns with theirs (for example, a lesbian trying to guess if the girl she met recently digs girls too) rarely comes from a place of trying to target someone, but rather from a place of trying to see who you can feel safe around. While cis/straight people attempting to guess if someone is trans or queer comes from a place of ignorance and generalizations; a queer person doing the same often comes from a place of seeing who’s hiding with them. Trying to see if someone shares a marginalized identity is more often than not a survival tactic, rather than an act of unkindness. An LGBT person trying to identify if someone else is LGBT is an attempt at finding members of a shared marginalized community, while a cisgendered or heterosexual person doing the same thing has no place identifying an LGBT person.

In short, if you’re cisgendered and/or heterosexual and you are trying to guess someone’s orientation for whom their sexuality and/or gender might be a touchy subject, you are not being a good ally. You are being, at best, unkind and at worst, spreading stereotypes and ignorance that can, and very often does, lead to violence. Unless you’re an LGBT person trying to identify one of your own for safety reasons or even to make a friend or score a date, that person’s personal identity is none of your business.