Taylor Swift always taught me that being fearless was the key to life. So I lived that way. I did what my heart told me to. Taylor sang, "a girl is more than the sum of her fears." I never really understood what the meant until years later when anxiety took over my life.
It all started when I was a freshman in high school. I was always awkward in a way. I didn't really know how to have a conversation unless I was really close with that specific person. People started to make me an easy target, so they all attacked me. I remember crying almost every morning because I didn't want to go to school with all the people.
Freshman year flew by because I had a relationship distracting me, but the problem was it wasn't distracting me in the way you're thinking... I'll just leave it at that. As time went on, the relationship ended, but the fears he brought didn't. Neither did my fear of going to school. It always started looking over my shoulder when I walked through the hallways and it grew to where I felt a panic and a dread every time the phone rang. I was afraid of going to sporting events because of certain people I was afraid of.
My fear took over my life. Then, eventually, my fears became out of control. I was afraid to get out of bed because I thought someone was downstairs. I never wanted to leave my room. I was always jealous of my friends who could go out and have lives without fear. My sophomore year was just blank. I hated watching everyone around me enjoy it. Because I hated most of it. Finally, I got diagnosed with anxiety. I was afraid of that "having anxiety." Then I thought how it's a problem that would ever get fixed... I didn't think I would ever live normal again. I felt like I would forever be locked down to fear. Days. Weeks. Months. Would pass without me actually living. I was afraid to tell my friends who had been with me during it all because I feared they might think I'm crazy, and well sometimes I did feel crazy.
Finally, I decided that I had enough, Life kept passing before me and I wasted so many months afraid. I didn't want to let the same thing keep happening. I was done letting my anxiety control my life. So I finally got back to running, and in just 2 days I felt a difference. Every time I step down to run I act like I'm in a face with my anxiety and I have to beat it. Every time I run, I run without my anxiety on me, which means I won. I started being with friends and family that I once pushed out. I was changing schools before so being in a new place was a challenge, but I fought and I'm still fighting but I know I've won.
I force myself to live and feel now. When I start to feel afraid, I push myself. I run more. I talk more. I got more help. I talked to older people. I'm finally winning my battle with anxiety. I know I'm not alone. i have great friends that support me. And great family. I actually feel like I'm living a normal life. I don't let my fears define me anymore.
We're not alone in these fights. It's easy to feel like there's no hope, and that no one understands... But that's a lie. I'm still fighting and always will. I'm getting stronger. Anxiety is a terrible, dark place, but I learned, there is a way to overcome it.
