I'm not sure when it began, but somewhere along the way, people began to tell others "just be yourself." Sitcoms, commercials and after-school specials began to talk about self-esteem, not trying to be like everyone else and being brave enough to be who you are. My mother discouraged us from wishing to be like anybody else. This usually came in the form of the “Brooklyn Bridge” speech. (By the way, this speech is in the parent handbook. If you don’t have children yet, you will need it someday). I remember asking my mom, "What should I be when I grow up?" She refused to offer a suggestion. Her silence forced us to come up with something on our own. Something about the way she refused to handhold us must have instilled in me the message, "It's your brain, so you figure out what's in there and how it works. You decide what you want to do and be. You have to live with yourself." Now I'm grown and offering the Brooklyn Bridge speech to my own children. As they lie sleeping in their beds and I fold their laundry, I ask God to help me be better than I am. Tonight, the out-loud conversation went like this: "God, help me. I need to be better. How can I possibly be better than I am?" There was an awkward pause as I realize how that sounded. "I don't mean it like that. Lord, I don't mean 'How could I possibly be better because I'm so great?' I stammered. “How is it possible to do anything with this mess? What I mean is, 'How in the world are you going to make me better?'" I continued, "Please, don't leave me the way that I am. I don't want to just be myself." It isn't that I hate myself, or that I'm wallowing in self-loathing, but the past year of my life has shown me what a jerk I can sometimes be (OK, most times). The authoritative, no-nonsense, because-I-said-so style of parenting is my comfort zone. OK, that isn't true, either. It isn't that I'm comfortable. It's anything but comfortable for a family to butt heads with one another on a daily basis. It's certainly not a picnic to dish out consequences, even though sometimes that's necessary. It would be better said that this parenting style is my default... with an emphasis on fault. I need to be gentler, more patient and more understanding. I knew it was possible that my personality and style might become a problem for me as I parented kids from hard places. I suspected it was something I was going to need to change about myself, I foolishly thought that I would just be able to adjust on the fly, like changing gears in a car with a manual transmission. Little did I know that this would be more like driving a truck with an 18-speed transmission, instead. Let's just say there's a lot of gear-grinding as I try to keep the parenting truck on the road. I'm not saying we shouldn't tell people "be yourself" or that we should not encourage them to be comfortable "in their own skin," but that depends on what that looks like. It doesn't matter what you look like, how you dress or what hobbies you enjoy. It isn't about your body type, your exercise or eating habits or how you wear your hair. In that case, do be yourself. Don't let people pressure you to feel like you aren't smart enough or make you critical of your appearance. I've known people who have issued the insincere apology, "I’m sorry. This is just who I am." I want to say, "Well, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but 'who you are' needs to change." Don't change because I said so. It's like this. If you're a liar, you should stop lying. If you steal, stop. If you're a bully, why is that? Stop that, too. If you need anger management classes, get them. If you're like me, and you’re just sort of a jerk, that needs to change, too. If you drink and it affects your life and family, seek help. You need to change. How you were raised, how you've been hurt and what you've been through won't change, but how you respond to those things is completely within your control. There's a difference between being yourself, loving the person God made you to be (even if you don't fit the media's version of attractive, fit, rich or successful), and stubbornly being "who you are," refusing to do something about the true personality or behavioral flaws inherent in all of us. It's been said that God loves us the way we are, but that He loves us too much to leave us that way. Parenting is much the same. I love my children the way that they are, but if they're rude, lazy, disrespectful or dishonest, I'm going to take measures to guide them to change. I realize I can't force it, but I can (and must) provide a gentle nudge (OK, sometimes a big, fat shove) in the right direction. It's my responsibility to raise children who offer a positive contribution to society and who represent their faith in an honest way. So, this is where I am right now. I’m being parented, too. Knowing that my Father loves me, not only in spite of who I am, but enough to change the unpleasant bits about me, I'm asking for that help.

"God, don't let me just be myself. Make me different. Make me better.

Make me loving.

Help me be joyful. Lead me to desire peace in my relationships.

Remind me to exercise patience. Most things can wait longer than I'm willing to wait.

Teach me to be kind. When others are mean, I shouldn't reflect that.

Inspire me to be good. People are watching me. Small people. They will become what I model.

Instill in me gentleness where there is currently a harsh exterior. A little tenderness goes a long way.

Above all, God, help me to know that the only real control I need is self-control. There's no law against that, right?

Make me what you would have me to be. I don't want to just be myself.

I want to be like You."