I will say first off that I’m being a bit of a hypocrite. I used to share a YouTube video, a recital of a spoken word poem titled "Meet Yourself In The Mirror" to everyone. And I do mean just about everyone. Near the very end of the poem, Ashley Wylde (who is, I must say, an absolutely phenomenal writer) says “You cannot say, 'I love you,’ without the implied foundation of, 'but I love myself, first.’ If you don’t love yourself every time you have ever said, 'I love you,’ it was a lie.”
I thought Wylde’s poem was nothing short of a masterpiece. I gathered later, though, that this is not a good message to be infecting upon others. I’m hoping that this article can be my redemption for spreading that toxic idea.
You don’t need to love yourself in order to love others. The idea is preposterous. What about those with depression, anxiety, an eating disorder or another mental health struggle? What about those who simply struggle with self-confidence, even merely sometimes? What about those that are having a bad day and are experiencing shame and regret? Does their love for you really not count?
If you honestly think the love from those that grapple with the act or even the concept of loving themselves doesn’t count, you’re not only being unreasonable; You’re being cruel and borderline sadistic. I do understand that the pain you cause with this way of thinking may be inadvertent. As previously stated, I have done the same. Be that as it may, I have learned by now the consequences to sharing such an attitude with others, particularly if they are the ones whose love you claim isn’t authentic.
I think it’s fair enough to assert that everyone at some point or another has experienced some form of self-loathing. Did that affect their love for anyone else?
No.
The answer is plain and simply a resounding no.
I still to this day struggle with loving myself sometimes. Does that mean I don’t have a heart full of love for others? Of course not. Even in the days when I rarely felt affection for myself, I often was told that I have a big heart. And of that, I am still told just as often. My illness and other struggles don’t affect my ability to love, and it is detrimental to tell someone that their love for anyone is meaningless.
Don’t get me wrong — loving yourself is something to always strive for. However, if you’re experiencing tribulations and can’t bring yourself to say “I love you” when you see your reflection, your love for others isn’t invalid.
I’d like to formally apologize to anyone I may have spread this lie to. I honestly thought it was a good message. It’s not true, not a single bit. Your love is valid. You are valid. That being said, the “Meet Yourself in the Mirror” exercise of telling yourself “I love you” while looking your reflection in the eyes is nonetheless something I’d encourage. It may seem a little weird at first, but if you can earnestly do it, then you’ve accomplished something you should be proud of.
Bottom line: lacking in self-love is already difficult enough. Don’t make it harder on anyone by telling them that their love is unworthy.
