When I was ten years old I was watching a PG-13 movie with my mom and a pretty steamy sex scene came on between a man and a woman. I’d like to preface this by expressing how grateful I am that my mom has always been really open with me about sex. She doesn’t feel the need to censor herself to preserve my sexual innocence. By fifth grade, I’d already seen every dirty episode of Desperate Housewives, and took for granted how open the characters were with their sexualities.
Seeing the more risqué imagery on the TV that night reminded me of something.
“Mom, did you know you can have sex with yourself?” I asked.
She laughed out of confusion and asked what I meant. I was immediately embarrassed and refused to explain what I was talking about. At age ten, I thought I invented masturbation. I found that by squeezing my legs tightly together I could work myself up to the most amazing sensation. At first I didn’t really think there was anything intrinsically sexual about what I was doing. It was just a physical pleasure that I could draw from deep within myself on command and with very little effort.
When I admitted this to my mom, I didn’t realize there could be anything wrong with it; however, by her reaction, I guaged that touching myself might actually be taboo for my age and gender. So I stopped talking about it. In fact, if anyone asked, I would furiously deny masturbating, as I suspect many young girls do.
In high school, I was baffled that boys in my class could talk unabashedly about masturbation and porn without receiving the judgmental looks directed my way when I spoke openly about sex. It seemed like the social norm for girls to deny pleasuring themselves. Historically, masturbation has been stigmatized for its supposed “negative physical and mental health consequences.” Today, it is much more widely accepted as physically, mentally, and sexually healthy, but many women still feel insecure or inhibited when it comes to touching themselves.
According to a report by Planned Parenthood, among the health benefits of masturbation are reduced stress, alleviation of premenstrual pain for many women, sleep induction, endorphin production, more efficient cell functioning, indirect disease prevention, and increased resistance to infection. So why are women still being shamed for something with so many clear physical and mental health benefits?
As Ann Friedman puts it, “the notion that women enjoy sex has not yet achieved scientific or cultural acceptance.” Thus, women are condemned for their sexual urges; in fact, 46.6% of women masturbate less than once a month. Porn is still being designed primarily for the male gaze, under the assumption that female masturbation is secondary to male masturbation.
Until I had my first serious boyfriend, I was pretty insecure about my sexuality. It took me a long time to feel beautiful in my own skin. In fact, I have to credit a lot of my self confidence to learning to love my own body in a sexual way before trying to please someone else. Whether you are a seasoned masturbator or completely unexperienced, masturbation should be natural and relaxing, not awkward or embarrassing. In addition to improving your confidence, it can help you discover how to pleasure yourself. Don’t worry if you think what you’re doing is wrong or weird, just do whatever makes you feel good.
Remember that the stigma of female masturbation isn’t going to stop until women feel completely comfortable in their sexuality and can openly talk about it. If you find an amazing porn site or a revolutionary new vibrator, share your discovery with your friends. Talking about it is the only way we can break the misogynistic societal fibers that control and repress the female body. I challenge you to throw away the shame that comes with female masturbation, and just do you. Literally.
