There's a term for that awkward situation where we "love" someone, and they just don't love us back: unrequited love.
It’s everywhere, isn’t it? It seems as if no matter where you turn your head, there’s a new song, TV show, movie, or book that explores the complexity of unrequited love. In almost every narrative, the person who is experiencing unrequited love is persistent enough to get what they want – and is victimized and hailed as an unsung hero in the process. Maybe they stay in the shadows and wait to perform a heroic act that their love never asked for. Maybe they try their hardest to be their love’s ideal picture of perfection. Or maybe they simply just don’t take “no” for an answer.
In any case, it’s no secret that we’ve been spoon-fed these stories, and it’s affected the way that young people see themselves, other people, and love. And it’s not a pretty picture. It’s true that sometimes unrequited love actually turns into a great relationship, but those situations are few and far between compared to the reality: if someone doesn’t love you back, there is no stunt you could pull, the outfit you could wear, or amount of persistence that will change their feelings. Yet, young people are ditching healthy relationship behaviors in droves, victimizing themselves in the name of unrequited love. Why is this?
It should be noted that while it might be human nature to pursue “primal” things like sex, it is not human or healthy to zone in on one particular person and refuse to be rejected. This kind of behavior is not something that humans just do because we’re humans; the media plays a big role in how our youth view love, and consequently, how they go about acting on their feelings, unrequited or otherwise.
The media adores unrequited love narratives. They make money. Most adults may see one such narrative, or several, and take it for what it is: a fictional story. The same cannot be said for impressionable young minds who might view it as an accurate reflection of reality. This mindset is enhanced when 1) we don’t train our children to see unrequited love as a big red flag, and 2) the child has a mental illness or any other condition that renders them less socially apt than their peers.
Unrequited love and all the heartbreak that comes with it is a phase for some people. Others, myself included, have hurt multiple people due to this strange sense of entitlement that unrequited love gives us. I had to be verbally slapped around multiple times before it stuck that my behavior wasn’t okay. Luckily, I survived to write this article and warn everyone else before it’s too late. Others never learn, and in extreme cases, this refusal to accept “no” is how sexual assault happens.
I’m not suggesting that every child who experienced unrequited love and has a hard time getting over it is going to turn into a rapist. But I am saying that if this entitlement mentality is not nipped in the bud, it has great potential to blossom into a very ugly, selfish, disrespectful flower. It doesn’t take a genius to see that people are getting romantically involved at younger and younger ages. It’s not a ridiculous claim that the media smothers us with tales of how persistence conquers all when you’re faced with an unrequited love situation. Mix these truths with the knowledge that many kids have mental illnesses that make it hard for them to respect the boundaries of others, and it’s a clear recipe for disaster. Don’t worry, though; there are simple solutions.
The first and most obvious one is to call people in (not out) for their behavior. Ask them why they feel the way they do and gently direct them to a sense of understanding where their line of thinking or their behaviors may be infringing on someone else’s well-being. Kindness and understanding will always do better in this kind of scenario, as being vicious to them about their feelings might actually validate the mentality that they are entitled to a particular person’s affection.
The next thing we can do is teach our kids. It’s hard to imagine teaching kids about unrequited love, considering we don’t even think about them getting romantically involved until junior high or high school. Teaching them boundaries of any sort is the greatest place to start because if they learn early on how to accept “no” from their peers in non-romantic situations, they are likely to carry on the respectful behaviors into romantic scenarios as well.
Now let’s address that really uncomfortable thing: what if someone, particularly a child, has an incredibly hard time accepting “no” for an answer? What if they just aren’t socially adapting the way that their peers are, and they’re still persistent in winning over the attention of someone who doesn’t want to give it to them? In these extreme cases, getting kids tested should be a serious thought. I’m no distinguished child psychiatrist, but as I’ve stated earlier, I have been through it. I was “that girl” who couldn’t respect “no” until much later on in life. There is not a doubt in my mind that had I been diagnosed and treated early on, I would have been a completely different person, and who knows how many kids are currently in the same boat? It sucks to think about a young child having something wrong with them. It sucks to think about putting them on medication or placing them in therapy in an early stage of life. For some though, that could make a world of difference and save a lot of trouble and difficulty for themselves, their peers, and their families. If a child is being taught boundaries and consistently not responding to them, it might be time to stop saying “kids will be kids” and start looking into seeing if a child is in need of treatment. It could very well be better in the long run.
Romance stories can be fun. Unrequited love stories can also be fun if done right. But we need to stop romanticizing it to the point where young people think it’s okay to mimic that kind of persistence in reality. Continued determination to win someone over after they’ve already said “no” is not normal, cute, or romantic. Persistence is great when you’re seeking education, faith, and adventure. It’s not so great when it’s used to try to infringe on another human being’s comfort, safety, and happiness.
