Sexuality is a spectrum, and within that spectrum, there are many other smaller spectrums; it’s like a double rainbow, but that second rainbow is within the first one. The rainbow I am specifically talking about is bi-sexuality. This is a particularly hard article for me to write, as I never really came out; it’s just kind of always been a part of who I am. I don’t want or need to make a big deal of my official status on who I find attractive, and that’s fine.
One of the biggest perks about being bi-sexual is the benefit of coming off socially acceptable half the time. One of the biggest downfalls of being bi-sexual is that everyone just assumes you’re lying or are an uncontrollable sex-maniac. Now, being bi-sexual is really not that complicated. If someone says that they are, then they are. Easy as that.
One of the first things bi people tend to ask themselves is “am I gay?” but just like being gay, you kind of already know if you are or are not. The hardest part of the realization is actually doing it. We all have this innate fear of rejection, and stepping out of our comfort zones that society created for us is like a whole other weight added to that first step out.
Something that you can do, as a relative, friend, aquaintance, or even stranger, to help with that process is just have an open mind. For example, one thing I enjoy a lot of is being able to acknowledge other people’s attractiveness. Growing up, I tended to make friends with males a lot easier than females, and one particular memory I have when I was realizing my personal identity was back in high school at track meets watching all the long distance runners in their short shorts. One of my good male friends at the time was standing next to me, cheering on our school, when we both noticed a beautiful girl and he made a dumb boy comment, as they do. However, I agreed with him and kind of just stood there confused with a somewhat similar feeling I’ve had before, and he elbowed me and said something really comforting and accepting of my sexuality that I didn’t yet fully recognize myself.
Here’s the funny part: Your parents and friends always seem to know you, even before you realize things about yourself. My favorite part of any coming-out story is when the family turns around as says “Finally! We’ve been waiting for you to do this forever.” My cousin had this moment her senior year of high school and still feels robbed to this day of not shocking anyone in our family. Everyone has their own personal realization about their identity, but I think me realizing that my family and friends loved me no matter what and always kind of hinted that they knew I wasn’t straight but I wasn’t gay either really sped up the process of me accepting myself.
When it comes to everyone else, people always want to ask bisexuals, “well, how much?” or look at your past relationships and scrutinize how true to your identity you actually are. This all needs to stop. The beauty of a spectrum to identity is that you can be bi and someone else can be bi but you will both have completely different experiences, just like hetero people will have completely different romantic relationships throughout their lives. It is perfectly acceptable to go on a few dates with someone and decide that you don’t want to take it any further. For a bi person, this might be the case with a certain gender or because of their own comfort. Now, say it with me folks: That’s fine.
For some, this can be confusing, but choosing an identity is not choosing your sexual orientation. You can have no identity but still an orientation. Identities are kind of like labels and help other people determine what box you fit in. This can help make you feel normalized and part of a larger community, but some people may not like the idea of labels and choose not to associate with an identity.
In an article by The Huffington Post, "6 Truths Of Bisexuality," the author defines bisexuality as "sexual orientation is [not just] about sex, per se. It is about love and connectedness." This statement resonates deeply with me because again, sexual orientation is not a choice. We all have fought so hard to get people to understand that we don't choose who we end up loving, yet even gay people tend to think that bi people make a choice to flounder between straight and gay until we commit to one or the other. This is damaging to the community, as this lie feels more like truth, which makes some people afraid to identify as bi and are thus pressured into choosing one and not being true to themselves.
Self-identity has been and currently is being fought for all around the world. Everything is not so black and white anymore, another reason why the rainbow is such an adequate representation of sexuality and identity. The purpose of identity is for your own sense of self-actualization; whatever you want to choose your identity as should be accepted. Now, if you are content with identifying as straight and live a perfectly heterosexual life, then that’s fine. If you have thoughts about people of the same gender but choose to continue living a straight life, that is also fine. If you choose to have a moment of bi-curiousness in college or feel like girls are better kissers for a moment, that is also fine. You still get to choose your identity, and if that moment of curiousness leads to you changing or keeping whatever identity you had before, that is also fine.
What I am getting at, and what all bisexual people want non-bisexual people to know, is that it is all fine. No questions asked.
