Remember the old days when people had to write love letters instead of just picking up the phone and pressing a contact name? A simple misspelling of an address could cause immense heartbreak for both parties.

Fast forward 100 years and six (or is it seven now?) generations of iPhones. It’s 2 a.m., and “Douche Canoe” is blowing up your phone

You know you shouldn't pick up, and you tell yourself that, but you pick up anyway. It'll just be a minute. You just want to see what he wants, that won't hurt, right? Before you know it, that minute turns into 20, and Douche Canoe is spewing a bunch of bullsh*t about how much he wants to see you.

Douche Canoe has left you crying outside on the curb of a club on numerous occasions, but you give out second (and third, and fourth...) chances like they're candy. You think "maybe he's changed!" Come on, since Wednesday night? I doubt it.

Douche Canoe is at your local bar downtown and he really needs a ride home, because God forbid he walk or call an Uber. You give in and hop into your car to save the day. After you drop him off, you're stuck wondering what the hell the point of that was. You don't even get a "thank you," and you most certainly won't hear from him again until he needs something.

In the meantime, you’re stuck listening to a depressing Mayday Parade song, trying to choose which lyrics to tweet in hopes that he'll see them and understand how you're feeling.

So ask yourself this: Is it really your ex-boyfriend calling, or is it the seven shots of Fireball he just took?

There’s no getting around the inevitable phone call you’ll get from your ex, who is missing you, but not actually missing you. After a late night of drinking, we're all guilty of drunk dialing.

The next morning he’ll feel bad, but his pride will tell him to ignore the situation. However, the truth will catch up with him eventually, and he’ll realize it’s not the buzzed feeling from that Jack and Coke he’s craving. It’s just you.

Men are pretty easy to read, believe it or not. When they feel like they aren’t wanted, or aren't getting the attention they think they deserve, that’s when they start missing whoever was giving them that attention (ahem, you). They need constant reassurance in the pride department, because pride fuels a man's ego, and having a big ego gives them control.

Their ego will try to make up for their lack of pleasure by looking for it in other areas: the bar, the bottom of the bottle, and then once the whiskey hits, you.

So when the phone only starts ringing with late-night calls due to alcohol consumption, it just means his pride is too big to miss you enough to call when he’s sober.