I walk by my middle school everyday on my way to catch the bus. Today, I accidentally bumped into a girl about five years younger than me while changing the music on my phone. She looked me in the eyes to apologize. I told her it was my fault and she said, "Still. Sorry" and I said it was okay and she ran along.
It had been bothering me all day - why did she feel bad about something that she didn't even do? I told myself it was a typical middle school insecurity. I was the same way when I was her age.
She had dark circles under her eyes, despite it being only the second week of school. I asked myself what she could possibly be stressed about at 13. But I had dark circles under my eyes too when I was 13. I used to cry over a lot of things. I got to campus and looked in the mirror in the bathroom. The dark circles were still visible under my concealer because I haven't slept more than 4 hours in 3 days, and on my way out, a girl bumped into me. I said sorry and ran to class.
Suddenly, I was 13 again. It was like the past five years didn't happen.
The real trip was when I got home because I found my old diary:
"Dear diary,
I got a 90 on my history test today. I feel so awfully about that. I mean, I didn't study but who does? Studying isn't my thing. It sucks that school, like, forces you to study.
Anyway, more tomorrow."
Dear 13-Year-Old Me,
You never figured out how to study. You ruined high school because of it. Remember how you wanted to go to Columbia? Well, you didn't quite get there. They do call Bergen Community College the Harvard of community colleges, though, so in a way, I guess you got close. You know you should have studied more. You still need to study more. You still don't study. Why don't you ever learn?
"Dear diary,
I am in love with ___________. That is all."
Dear 13-Year-Old Me,
YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM. If only you knew how many times you'd say the same exact thing about almost everyone who ever said anything nice to you. Dear God, girl, set your bar higher. This almost killed you in high school.
You know, you still do this - you romanticize everything. I hope to God you figure out how to find people who treat you well. And I hope you figure it out soon. I'm running out of bandaids for your heart.
"Dear diary,
I think I am gay but I don't know how that's possible! I thought I was in love with _____, who is a guy!"
Dear 13-Year-Old Me,
BISEXUALS EXIST!! YOU ARE 100% BISEXUAL!! AND THAT'S NORMAL!! Sure, the LGBT community doesn't like you very much and straight girls always think you're hitting on them and straight guys only use you to fulfill their weird threesome fantasies, but hey!! YOUR SEXUALITY IS VALID!
And finally:
"Dear diary.
I am so sad today. The sadness doesn't stop"
Dear 13-Year-Old Me,
I wish I could offer you something more encouraging but the truth is, the next five years of your life are some of the worst. You'll be sexually harassed on a daily basis in high school. You'll experience sexual and emotional abuse. Drugs? You'll think you can cope with them. Spoiler alert: You can't and they ruin your life. You'll get off the drugs, though, and things will start getting better. You won't want to kill yourself everyday. By the time you're 18, you rarely think seriously about suicide anymore. It takes a while to get there, though, and you go through a lot to even be able to say that you don't want to die anymore. But you get there.
If I could give you some advice:
-Stop apologizing for existing. YOU MATTER. Stop listening to the voices that tell you that you don't.
-EAT MORE!! Anorexia isn't a game. It almost kills you.
-MENTAL ILLNESS IS SCARY BUT YOU CAN LIVE WITH IT! A diagnosis isn't the end of the world. It will seem like it from time to time, but I promise there's a lot more to you than your mental illness and the medications you're on. DO NOT DEFINE YOURSELF BY YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS.
-TREAT YOURSELF BETTER. Surround yourself with friends who actually love you. You'd be surprised how much better life gets when you find people who love you and see you as a shining star even on cloudy nights.
-BE BOLD.
-THE MOST IMPORTANT LOVE YOU'LL EVER HAVE IS THE LOVE FOR YOURSELF.
I love you, kid. You're a mess, and you stay a mess, but you get through it. I promise.
