It's easy to get wrapped up in trying to be that young college woman we always dreamed we would be: confident, smart, pretty, skinny, perfect.
And there's nothing wrong with that -- until we really think about it. We start to realize just how much pressure we are all putting on ourselves, because it takes a heavy toll on us. Little by little, we allow ourselves to be put into boxes, to be underestimated, and to be afraid to speak up.
Sometimes, we need a check-in to remind ourselves of just who we are, what we value, and how we want to change. Recently, as about 110 undergraduate women, professors, and alumnae, we got that chance -- at Washington and Lee University's 2016 Women's Leadership Summit.
For about 24 hours, we all committed to reflecting on our own leadership qualities and experiences and sharing our stories with each other. We tried to answer questions that many of us have always been asking ourselves, and we drew from hearing about the common fears and goals we share with other women. The conference reminded me that introspection and reflection are an important part of the personal development process, though I often overlook them because "I don't have time" or "I'm busy living in the moment."
My three biggest takeaways:
1. Don't internalize failure -- and don't take it personally.
Psychology studies show that boys tend to externalize negative outcomes (i.e. blaming bad grades on the professor not liking them) while girls tend to externalize positive outcomes (i.e. blaming good grades on tests being easy). This means that we tend to internalize negative outcomes, and I know that personally this is something I struggle a lot with.
I got a B+ in my large format photography class, and I took it personally for a while. When I feel like I have failed at something, I tend to give whatever it is up. Once I got back to school and was talking in passing to my professor, I realize how silly it was for me to think I had to give up photography or studio art entirely just because of one grade that was lower than I would have liked. My professor was great, especially because she told me specifically, "Don't let this one grade discourage you from continuing with photography."
In that moment I also realized something very important: for the few weeks I worried about disappointing my professor, I was really just overthinking it because I had really only disappointed myself. The standards I hold myself to aren't the same standards that everyone else holds me to, which is quite a relief.
It's also important to recognize your achievements as your own -- and to remind yourself of all that you've already accomplished, especially when you find yourself in moments of self-doubt, failure, rejection, and setback.
2. Don't be afraid to speak up.
In a breakout session on confidence and competence, a wise young woman said to the rest of us, "If you have something to say, raise your hand and just say it." It doesn't matter if you're wrong, it just matters that you speak up and say it. No one is judging you, and no one will remember if you say something wrong as soon as class ends.
An alum who currently works at Google advised us all to be intentional about claiming our space and demanding our seat at the table, and to break ourselves of the habit of trying to restrain ourselves -- whether that manifests itself as us sitting in the back of the class, deliberately policing ourselves to not talk too much, or just taking a behind-the-scenes role when we know we have a lead role.
3. Don't forget to take the time to reconnect with the women who inspire you.
Find the women you look up to as role models and connect with them. Let them know that you admire them and what they are doing. Compliment people genuinely, and when you say something, mean it. If you say, "Hey, let's get coffee some time," actually follow through, and do it.
Throughout the conference, one of my favorite quotes kept coming up. "There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women," by Madeleine Albright (which again reminded me of how awesome it was to meet her a few months ago).
We're all in this struggle together. By throwing out comparison and jealousy and instead being inspired and motivated by other women who are killing it at whatever they're doing, we can more easily find our authentic selves, out of love for ourselves and love for those around us. We don't have to always see everything as a competition, and we have to realize that by when we make ourselves vulnerable, there is a bravery and strength in it.
One of my favorite tweets from the whole event summed it up nicely. "You think everyone saw you trip and fall, but maybe they saw how you got back up."
