When little girls are little girls, we give them toys to play with for entertainment- things like Barbies, dollhouses and baby dolls- all things that we expect them to take a little more seriously when these toys manifest themselves into real life events, like finding the perfect Ken to marry one day, picking out the perfect two story house with the pink shutters, and picking out just the right names for your children. We don’t usually think about the fact that when we hand a little girl a baby doll to play with, we’re basically saying, “Now take good care of this new doll Mommy and Daddy bought for you because you’ll be doing exactly the same thing with a real baby of your own one day.”
When I was in pre-school, we did an activity where the teachers would interview us so they could show our parents our responses. When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I answered, “a good mommy,” because I wanted to be just like my own mom. When I was in elementary school, I’d even talk with my friends about how I’d want as many as five kids. Of course, as I grew older, this number realistically dwindled- but then, it disappeared altogether.
As a 20-year-old college student, I am frequently befuddled with thoughts regarding my own life circumstances. I look around at all of my friends with children of their own, and I wonder if I’ll one day want the same things that they do. Somehow, though, I can’t seem to picture it.
You don’t need to be a parent with five or more kids to understand that parenting is a tough job because you don’t need to have children at all to understand this. I’ve seen this enough with the children I’ve babysat or volunteered with over the years. When I was asked the question, “Do you want kids?” I always thought about the big milestones in a child’s life that made me say yes- picking out their first cute little outfit to wear, watching their teeth grow in and fall out for the tooth fairy, their first Christmas, first time riding a bike- all of these are great childhood moments, and unfortunately, they do not happen often.
That’s why we look back on these memories of our own childhood with great fondness- they were special because they only happened once. These events don’t encompass everyday life with a child because they represent a fantasy of a world with only special, unique life events and never everyday monotonous struggles. Now, when someone asks me if I would like to have children, I think about the reality instead of the fantasy- piles of dirty diapers, making grocery lists, planning PTO meetings and finding babysitters, watching the same episode of Dragon Tales or Arthur on repeat, and I politely say, “No, thank you.”
I don’t want to have children based on a fantasy. I’m a young adult, and the true reality of what having a child might be like is absolutely terrifying. My life changes on a monthly, weekly and sometimes daily basis- I find myself searching for new jobs to fit my evolving life circumstances, I have meetings that get scheduled and get rescheduled, I do things like pick up a coffee on the way to school and race all the way to a building as soon as I step out of my car because I didn’t want to be late.
My life is ever-changing, chaotic, sometimes even tumultuous, and I love it. I even intend to choose a career path that will be just this exciting and spontaneous. Children need structure, calmness, maybe even a little monotony- I cannot provide that and simultaneously be happy with it, not now and probably not even in the next ten years, at least.
Furthermore, I’m a selfish person. I love my family and friends and I think about them often and am always there to help if and when they need me, but all of them live their own independent lives and have the ability of autotomy as independent adults (or nearly adults) to take care of themselves so that no one else has to. Children have neither independence nor autonomy, and they require the care of at least one trusted adult 24/7. Once again, you don’t need to be a parent to understand that that is a full-time gig.
I love going to meetings, going to class and even going to work. Of course, I also love planning fun nights out with friends to take a break from all of these things on the weekend. On these nights, I usually wake up the next morning wondering what day it is and requiring an hour-long shower with some Advil. I love doing it, and I don’t want to give it up. I also, of course, love spending money on myself- especially on pointless things like clothes, makeup, and jewelry. I buy these things when and if I can after I’ve made enough money at my own job to afford them, and at this point in my life, I can’t imagine changing my shopping list to include things like diapers, bottles and pacifiers.
To conclude, I’ve listed only a few out of dozens of reasons why I can’t imagine having children of my own- particularly at my age, but maybe even within the next decade. And yet, with all of these reasons in mind, I still love children. I work for a preschool classroom, I volunteer at elementary schools and I babysit because children are just so fun to be around.
I spend the majority of my days in long lectures in classrooms where, as philosophy majors, we constantly contemplate major inquiries like what the meaning of life is, who God is, what our purpose as human beings is, and so forth. These debates are typically very open-ended because we, as adults, can never seem to pinpoint answers to these questions. Upon leaving my college classroom and going to the preschool where I work, I’ve realized that even though adults don’t seem to have the answers to these questions, most kids do.
Kids don’t care about bills or money, they know nothing of it. Kids don’t care about politics or organized religion- except that they know Jesus loves them. Kids don’t care about time management or scheduling classes and meetings. It’s not just because they don’t know about these things yet, but because children love life and the people in their own lives without condition- most adults can’t completely say the same.
Children don’t worry about the small stuff like us adults do- they are much wiser than we give them credit for. That’s why even though I can’t imagine lugging around a diaper bag trying to feed one kid breakfast while the other gets her shoe on- I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to spend a few hours a week with kids much younger than myself- they teach me way more than I could ever teach them.
