Nine years ago, I celebrated the last holiday I ever would with my Nana and Mac-mac. Even though nine years have since passed, it still is very tough. Lately, I found that I have been missing them both far more than I have in the past. So much so that at very random times, it would feel like they just passed away.

This year, I am in my last year of school. A senior... wow. This is it and I think that is where this new wave of grief is coming from. The pain is a lot more real. The moments I have going on now are once in a lifetime moments. The moments, the memories made, that I wish with all my heart that I could pick up the phone and say,

"Hey grandma, this happened! I just wanted you to know and I love you."

With graduation coming up in May, all I want to do is have her there watching as I walk across the stage to get my diploma.

Since Thanksgiving is tomorrow, it makes me feel a little empty to think she's not here. It feels like her death wasn't nine years ago. The one thing that is keeping me together though is my family. Without them telling me that the pain I feel every once in a while is fine and normal. They give me hope that the pain I feel and the grief is just a way that my Nana is saying that she's still here.

I guess my takeaway message is this; no matter how recent or old a loss is, it is ok to grieve it. It is ok to still feel pain. It is ok to cry, be angry, and be upset. Taking away those feelings is to take away your humanity as well as your sense of self. Don't be afraid of those feelings. Sometimes it's just fine to make yourself vulnerable.