My parents have taught me many things over the years: from how to ride a bike to how to fill out a tax return. But one of the unintentional things that they taught me was how to love. They have set an amazing example for my brothers and me, and we all hope to one day be lucky enough to share the kind of love with someone that they do.
As they have just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary this past week, they seemed like perfect people to ask about what makes a strong marriage. Maybe if Chris Pratt and Anna Farris or Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan knew these tips, we wouldn’t have had to go through such heartbreak.
1. Make time for your relationship
Even when my parents were raising three kids who were less than four years apart in age, they knew it was essential that they do something as a couple at least once a week. According to my mother, the cost of a babysitter is more than worth it for the quality time with each other.
2. Don't fight to win
It’s human nature to always want to be right and to have our points of view validated. According to my parents, this is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship. You should try to not only understand, but also be understood. Also, as my dad says, when you hurt someone badly with your words, it’s nearly impossible to take it back.
3. Never bring up the "D" word
No, I do not mean the dirty version of the “D” word; get your mind out of the gutter. By the “D” word, I mean divorce. Whether you get into a blow-out argument or a small tiff, never even suggest that getting a divorce is a viable option for you two. You probably don’t mean it, and it will not solve your problems.
4. Share the values that are important
You don’t have share the same opinions on politics, music or whether ketchup ice cream is delicious or an abomination against nature, but in terms of the big picture values, sharing the same ones will make all the difference. Such values include the importance of loyalty, trusting one another and empathy for others. According to my mom, these values are non-negotiable.
5. Thank the other person
Even thanking your partner for something trivial like doing the dishes or taking out the trash is important. It shows your partner that you recognize when they put in effort, and that you appreciate the things they do to make your lives together easier.
6. Listen actively and with commitment
When the other person needs someone to talk to, give them your undivided attention. Listen intently to everything they say, and don’t try to cut them off. My dad always says, even outside the context of relationships, “don’t just listen in order to respond.”
7. Don't harbor resentments
Communication is key. When something is bothering you or you are upset by something the other person did or didn’t do, speak now or forever hold your peace. If you just ignore it and convince yourself that the emotions you’re experiencing are not worth yours or your partner’s time and energy, those emotions will fester. If you don’t bring up the conflict then and there, it may come out in an argument months down the line and push you even further from finding a solution.
8. Give and take
This one may seem like an obvious piece of advice to some, but it is absolutely essential. Your partner should be your equal, and you should never feel like you are putting more effort into the relationship than they are, or vice versa. My parents agreed that it has always been important to encourage each other to be the best versions of themselves they could be, rather than be threatened by each other’s success.
9. Put effort into how you look every once and awhile
I know this may sound shallow, but hear me out. If you are comfortable enough in your relationship to lounge around in sweatpants and a sweatshirt with peanut butter stains on it, that’s great. However, your partner will appreciate it if you sometimes swipe on a little makeup or a nice shirt. Your partner will love you no matter what (or they should), but attraction is key in any romantic relationship, so don’t let that spark burn out.
10. Love your partner fully and deeply
Your partner should never be left to doubt whether or not you love and value them. When you are with the right person, you will find that even after you have a blowout fight, you can’t stay mad at them for long (my parents say they miss each other too much, so they always make up quickly). Your love for them reminds you that you wouldn’t want to be with anybody else, even if they make you want to pull your hair out sometimes.
One of my favorite quote from Eden Ahbez sums this whole article up pretty well. “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”
