Listen...I am the most negative-positive person that has ever lived, like hands down you will never meet someone who is more positive and happy-go-lucky but so damn negative. I think life is such a blessing and everything we go through is for a reason, and we should live a happy life (yeah all the cute pinterest quotes). However, this is much more of an outlook generally on life and others than an outlook on my own life. I am someone who loves to think life is gonna be good and I am gonna be happy, but I have had a lot of ups and downs that have made me only expect the downs. I am usually a really happy person and I tend to be in the moment, so when the downs come they are hard to bounce back from. So, how do I try to not be devastated? By never being fully in the moment. I am always trying to prepare myself for the next heartache, whether that be disappointment, failure, rejection or death. I always try to prepare myself for the bad; if I prepare myself and don't let myself be fully in something, it won't hurt as much.

When it comes to relationships, I put my own feelings or assumptions of myself onto someone who is interested in me. Yes, this is the textbook definition of self-sabotage. I automatically begin to think of the things that can go wrong or that I "know" will happen. This then stresses me out to the max, making me feel like I have to be this alternate person even though they were interested in me for me. I just assume that I am going to disappoint someone based on who I am and what I look like. I think I have it set in my mind that no one has ever spoken to me or looked at me (which I know, is dumb). I just worry that I will allow myself to be vulnerable or open and then it suddenly just falls apart.

I am starting to realize that I simply can't live life like this anymore. I can't be worried about a guy seeing me in a bathing suit as if he has not seen me walking around or sitting in a chair. I can't fake a laugh as if I don't have twelve equally horrifying laughs, that are naturally me. I can't be worried about someone finding me not as attractive as someone else because there will always be someone more attractive. There is no sense in fearing they'll find someone better because there will always be someone better. I can't keep fearing that I am not enough, because I am enough for me and whatever I am not, I am working on becoming for myself and that should be enough for whoever is meant to love me. If any of these things change the way they see me, then why would I want to be with them? Why would I want a man to raise my daughter knowing that I never wore a bathing suit around him in fear that he would leave me or think I was disgusting? Why would I want a man to raise my son knowing he can't communicate with me or be honest about his feelings? Forget even the idea of children and others, why would I want a man who doesn't want me the way I am? Why would I want a man who cares more about my stomach fat than my favorite records or how I talk in my sleep?

I've started to realize I am who I am. What I fear and hate in myself, is what I just worry others hate about me. I shouldn't see a fat girl who is built like a linebacker. I should see a curvy woman who is really trying to get back into her fitness journey after a really hard year and some setbacks. I shouldn't see a girl who has thick, frizzy hair and poor makeup skills. I should see a girl with her mama's thick curly hair, who does her make up how she likes it. I shouldn't see a girl who can't dress because she worries about what people will think of her body. I should see a girl who wears whatever she wants because she wants to not because she feels required to hide her hips or lower stomach. I need to stop seeing myself as impossible to love, the girl that everyone says "I didn't expect him to be with someone like her". I need to start realizing that the Lord made a man to love me one day, to love me where I am at when he meets me and to love me for who I actually am. I need to stop fearing that I am someone's settlement, that a man would be downgrading to be with me. I have to believe that I am someone's entire world and that I was the woman the Lord created for a specific man.

There are going to be men who make you feel used, who make you feel that you were an option or that you weren't good enough for them. Guess what? It is all bringing you one step closer to what you were meant for. Stop thinking of yourself as being used and start thinking of yourself as learning. I spent 4 months talking to a man who I really thought I could potentially be with, he was my type and what I assumed I wanted in a potential partner. However, I got so blind-sided by the possibilities of what it could be that I wasn't focused on how I was being treated in the present. A man who doesn't want to commit to me after stringing me along with his words, isn't going to want to commit to me down the road. A man who doesn't want me to express my feelings or deepen our conversations, isn't going to be open to communicating later in life. Someone who doesn't make the time to talk to me or check in on me, isn't going to sit down and ask me about my day later on. I use to be really hurt by this, like I think I still am. But it wasn't because it was him, it was because I so badly wanted to care for him and he didn't want me to. But I think it is important to remember you can be infatuated with the idea of someone and not actually wanna be with the person. In college, I had a year long relationship with a guy who couldn't have been more wrong for me. Now, he was a great guy in the beginning but after about the 7 month mark I began to realize he had a lot of things to work out within himself before he could be in anything serious. A lot of those unresolved issues led to him not knowing how to treat someone who was his girlfriend and loved him. I look back now and see that a lot of it was that we just weren't right for each other, I think we both were obsessed with the idea of just having a relationship that we ignored a lot of things. The relationship wasn't horrible at first, but I really lost myself after awhile because I was trying to be someone I wasn't. We just had very conflicting lifestyles and I think that I settled on a lot to try and make things work when I should have never allowed myself to. For example, my faith. I lost a lot of my relationship with God because he wasn't religious and I tried to downplay that being a big deal. I compromised what I had planned for in the future regarding children and how I wanted them to be raised. I allowed my opinions and ideas to dwindle, just agreeing with whatever he said or what I thought would make us last. I stopped working out and caring about my health, because he didn't have the same interest. I began to care more about alcohol and sitting around instead of getting out and doing things I enjoyed. However, now I realize that we were just the absolutely worst pair. I am not saying this to be mean, I hope he is well and doing whatever it is he wants. But we just were never gonna work and that is okay. That is okay because I have realized things that I am not willing to compromise or waiver on. This is why my situation with the previous guy I talked about, didn't work out. I was not willing to be silent and just act how he wanted me to. I spoke up when I was feeling upset or needed more. Now did I cry a lot and maybe try longer than I wanted to, yes (but that's my business). But now I recognize that my time is valuable and I don't need to waste it on things I have already been through that have proven to not be good for me.

I have to keep being vulnerable. I have to keep putting my mind and heart on the line because if I don't, I will never find what is meant for me. If I keep sitting in fear or worry, my life is going to be miserable and it will have been no ones fault but my own. Now, what I struggle with is my own opinions of myself being someone else's opinions of me. How do I change this? I have to believe I am worth it, I am who I am and that is enough. I have to be okay with getting let down, because that is the only way to know they aren't for me. The person I am meant to be with is going to meet me where I am at and like me for who I am now, not what they think I could be. This is the biggest thing I have to remember, I can't let the fear of being a let down keep me from being my true self. Just because there could be someone skinnier or smarter or more of a badass out there, doesn't mean I am not worthy of being wanted. It is okay for me to be what someone wants. So with that, I have decided to stop letting the voices get inside my head. I am who I am and if someone doesn't want to be with me that is okay because I want to be with myself and one day someone will beg to love me.

So this is the beginning of me loving myself, not just wanting a man to love me. Me loving me. Me loving the things I think men won't love. Me loving myself because I want to. The man will come whenever, but for now I got me and that is all I need.