As we ascend into our adult lives, we are presented with numerous daunting transitions and responsibilities. It can be exhausting trying to keep up with the amount of expectations presented to us. One of the important lessons that we eventually have to learn is how to live with someone else, specifically someone outside of our families that doesn’t necessarily have to love us.
When I left Washington, D.C. to attend Guilford College, I had no idea that I wasn’t going to be able to return as the same girl I was when I left. College made me start asking constant questions of myself, my peers, and society. I was making certain discoveries about myself in Greensboro that I felt were halted when I was safely in my comfort zone in D.C. As a result, I knew I needed to commence my own path and continue my journey of growth within myself. I needed to stay in Greensboro outside of school.
Luckily, my best friend of nearly ten years had the same idea. She needed a new start too. There was no moment of hesitation. We found an apartment, signed a lease and dove straight into job hunting, grocery shopping and decorating our new home. We were both beyond excited for this impulsive rush towards independence, so much so that we missed a few key factors in formulating our grand plan.
In an attempt to save money, we decided to rent out one bedroom and share a queen-size bed. This has actually been surprisingly one of the easiest parts of the journey. We spent so much time discussing how much we loved each other and how excited we were that we forgot to consider that there are factors that clash between any two people because everyone is different to some degree.
Everyone is different in what their standards of cleanliness entail. Some people are comfortable living in filth, others might need everything to be tactfully organized and cleaned regularly. Personally, I reside somewhere in the middle. I will not live in filth because I am not a fan of weird smells, rats or bugs, but I’m also content in my manner of organizing which may seem impractical to other people.
I don’t feel an aching pressure to change sheets every other week on the same day or have designated “cleaning days”. Regarding those tasks, I feel like they’ll get done when they need to get done unless there’s a specific reason (ie. a spill of sorts, visitors are coming etc.). I don’t look at decorating as a task complete with rules of where things should be, I just put things or arrange them how I like them. My bedmate does share this view.
At first it all seemed tiresome and impossible to keep up with because I’ve never cared about any of that and I found myself getting frustrated. When I would do an occasional chore that I thought wasn’t something I was responsible for or something she hadn’t asked me to, I would be proud of myself but she would give me a look of “well, you should be doing that anyways...” I had to constantly remind myself that even if it seemed small or pointless to me, it mattered to her and it was in both of our best interests for me to adjust.
It wasn’t better for the sole purpose of harmonious living, but because she’s my best friend and I should rejoice in aiding her to live more comfortably. After all, she was experiencing the same difficult transition with me. We left home together and needed a new start for a reason.
If issues of money arise or there are disputes over who does or provides more, it’s important to remember not to keep score in any relationship. Both parties have a very different understanding of what they’ve brought to the table and competing won’t land you on any middle ground. Being able to understand something from another person’s perspective is a vital tool for every aspect of life and when employed in resolving a conflict can be a saving grace. Passive aggression shouldn’t ever be an option.
Sharing a space with a stranger is completely different because your lives don’t need to collide. Your jobs, bedroom and friends are separate and you don’t necessarily have to form a close bond with them. The option is there to merely coexist cordially and respectfully at a reasonable distance.
Living with your best friend can pose hardships and really test a friendship. There are many people who have tried and failed at residing with someone close to them and it ruined their bond irreparably. If you’re willing to learn from each other and grow together, all that living together will do is strengthen the love you already share and provide a better understanding of who they are and a lens exposing how they got there.
No one understands your stress and struggle better than they do because they’re experiencing the same affliction so take care that you remind yourself why you made this decision in the first place and what you hope to get out of it. The most important factor to remember is to be patient, compassionate and direct in communicating with each other because growing up is horrifying and neither of you want to do it alone.
