Having someone in your life commit suicide is different than any other emotion I've ever experienced. It's not like grieving an old grandfather or a friend's mom or any other kind of death.
Suicide grief attacks you and won't let you go. It picks at your insecurities and latches on for dear life. It tries to make you feel like their death was your fault, even though it clearly wasn't. And despite the fact that this grief is something that many people struggle with every day, it is still taboo.
Saying the word "suicide" in everyday conversation turns heads and makes hearts skip beats. It is something we don't talk about and we push under the rug and say that our relative "passed away unexpectedly." And while that is true, it is not the whole truth.
Suicide grief brings confusion and an infinite number of questions like "Why didn't we know?" "How long has this been happening?" "What could we have done?" And countless others. But that's the thing. We could not have done anything because this was God's plan for them. And while sometimes I can't understand why it had to happen and I'm angry it happened, I continually remind myself of my God's goodness and the love that He gives.
So, why is this something that we're not allowed to say and something that we keep to ourselves and something that we try to struggle in silence over? I don't know. And I hate it. As someone who has struggled with and still struggles with this, it can't be done alone. It is something you need community and fellowship for. It is something you need Jesus for.
While your friends will bring comfort, but might not be able to bring experience and empathy to the situation, Jesus has supernatural comforting powers that extend far beyond our friends'. He brings unspeakable peace, unexplainable joy and everlasting comfort. Jesus is always there for us, even when it feels like no one else is.
"but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31
I clung to that verse and countless others when I was experiencing grief from my uncle's suicide. I knew God would restore my strength and I could soar and run and walk with God and not grow weary or faint. I knew that my hope in the Lord would give me those things and He would lift me up when I couldn't do it on my own.
So I know how it feels. I can empathize with you and I can be there with you. But give your troubles and fears and your everything to Jesus. Ask Him to pick you up and soar with Him. Give him your life, and I promise, it will be worth it millions of times over.
