Anyone that knows me knows that I’m an extremely extroverted person. I love going out, meeting new people and forming connections with others. My relationships with friends and family are some of the most important things in my life. However, I’m not always as outgoing and friendly. Sometimes I’m the complete opposite. I promise I’m not trying to be rude or mean when I put myself in a corner and seem to completely shut others out. That behavior is something that is beyond my control.
In high school, I was bullied. It didn’t start as the classic playground bullying you imagine when you hear the word. My bully started as my friend. In a group with one other girl, we were inseparable for the first half of my freshman year. Everyone on campus knew we were best friends. One day, it suddenly changed. I got a phone call from my soon-to-be bully who was furious over something I did not do. From that day on, my entire high school experience shifted. I was shut out from groups of girls and openly mocked and teased in front of my peers. When new students came to the school the next year, they confided to me that my bully told them not to talk to me.
This treatment continued to grow and escalate. Many did not even know it was happening because, from the outside, it looked like I was an outgoing, well-liked girl. In reality, I tried so hard to be close to so many people that simply did not accept me. The only things that kept me at my school were my two best friends in the grade above me, my incredible teachers and the immense love I still had for my school despite my bullying experience. My school was my home.
My bullying culminated during one horrible week in February of my Junior year when I was somehow associated with an event that I had nothing to do with. I was ripped apart on Yik Yak, told from across the dining hall that I was “f****** s***” and wound up hiding in my dorm room with the door locked, afraid for my own safety.
Years of therapy have helped me to be in a place where I can look back on my experience with clarity. Thinking back on those years still gives me a sinking feeling in my gut, but I have come out on the other side as someone who can handle practically anything in life that is thrown at me (which is a lot). However, I’m still sometimes standoffish, especially in big groups of girls.
Thankfully, I have not had an experience like my one in high school now that I’m in college. I have made amazing friends and have joined a sorority. Funnily enough, our sorority meetings are what triggers my bullying anxiety the most, even though I’m surrounded by the most supportive girls I know.
I think it’s the feeling of being in a big group of girls. While in high school, whenever I was in a group of girls I was ostracized and picked on. It’s a sense of muscle memory, a defensive mode I put myself in as a result of experiences that happened years ago. I suddenly change from my fun, outgoing self to a secluded, quiet person pretending to be on her phone in the corner. I’ve trained myself to feel OK when I’m alone. I automatically distrust girls until they prove me otherwise, and my trust is hard-earned.
The good news? I’m getting so much better. I find myself shutting myself out less and less. I’ve gotten better about opening up in groups and realizing that no one is going to bully me like that again. My biggest takeaway from my bullying experience is that I’m strong as hell. So strong that sometimes I don’t realize when I’m leaving others out as a result of habit. But I’m learning to incorporate new friends and people I meet on my journey, while promoting continuous healing and growth within myself.
Being the victim of bullying doesn’t define me, but it has helped me become the person I’m proud to be today.
