I just finished acting in a three show run of an uproarious and poignant original play. Three months of tedious memorization, probing character study and exhausting rehearsal in criminally hot rooms culminated in a triumphant weekend in front of family and friends. And every inch of that weekend was torture.
Scheduling snafus put much of our play, and especially the second act, in peril. Opening night began without a dress or tech rehearsal. Despite months of committed labor, we were winging it.
I was a wreck backstage. Despite my bravado, this was my first memorized stage performance in nearly three years. There are many painful reasons why. Yet, with the tempest of those three years beginning to ebb, I found myself back in the hot glare, primed to entertain and move.
But I didn't feel primed as I crouched behind my entrance. I felt impotent and a creeping paralysis. Three years of struggle and waiting were about to burst, and I felt crushed under the weight of my own anticipation. Why did I make 90 minutes of my life into the definitive test of my talent and fortitude? I tried rationalizing: "Well of course you’d like to do well, but even if you did forget your lines, cry, vomit, and run offstage, life would - assuming you regained control of yourself - go on." But that wouldn't take. I clung to the fear.
That night went well. The next went better. Last night was best. And before each I retained and modified my terror. "Sure, you did well last night but……"
Stage fright seems to be an inherent part of performing, at least for me. No amount of deep breathing and positive visualization lessons it much. But, perhaps, rather than being a hinderence, stage fright is a sickening power behind a performance.
Imagine if we sincerely didn't care what others, the audience, the cast, think of us. Why do it? Why perform rather than create alone for our own amusement? The threat of rejection and humiliation, real or imagined, is a hell of a motivation.
As is the need for creative expression, a unique voice, etc. But terror is bound up in those needs. It gets their ass in gear.
