We all saw the Snap Chats and wished we could've been on the beach with our craziest friends this spring break. Though you may not have made it to those sandy shores, I managed to land a comfy spot on half the bed in a sketchy hotel on South Padre Island, Texas. So if you're dying to know what you might have missed or just find yourself bored enough to read about my misadventures, I'll tell you all about it. But wait what's that thing they do on How I Met Your Mother? Oh yeah, they say "Eating a sandwich" when they refer to their youthful activities.

Day 1: The Drive

To be honest, the drive down was not all bad. 21 hours in a car with sisters you aren't that close to could have been a lot worse. However, there were downsides. Let me just say that when the USB connecting our phones to the radio stopped working is when the morale went down. LUCKILY the owner of the car had all her favorite middle school artists on CD.

I'm talking three Miley albums, a couple T-Swift records and even, you guessed it, the Jo Bros. It didn't get bad until everyone fell asleep and I had to play a 7 song CD of old school JB for three hours. Talk about rough! Even worse than the music though was BAE snapping me shirtless most of the trip just reminding me that I was headed for stud central but the only one I really wanted would be at home.

To ice the cake my nail broke and when I cleverly tried to fix it with polish, in the car, my sister knocked the bottle all over the place. #sorrynotsorry you knew it was there. By this point, I had to just give up and throw on my new floppy hat for the rest of the drive.

Next thing I knew I was at a pool party with no swimsuit, the vague memory of some CVS worker talking about my pants while ringing up the razors I so gracefully forgot at school and the notion that I needed to leave. So naturally a couple of us went to the bars but our passes weren't for that night so we took a Baptist shuttle home and slept off all the traveling.

Day 2: Holy Sandwich, It's windy!

We slept in hoping we'd wake up to the sun. When we saw the clouds we just started eating sandwiches hoping it would benefit our mood.

Once we got our liquid courage from the coffee mugs the hotel so generously provided we made our way to the hot tub where some creep had a GoPro and a pension for giving beads to unsuspecting girls who had too many sandwiches.

Just before we left though one girl split the group so some of us could stay back and try a different kind of sandwich. The only problem was that the wrong girl stayed and the new kind was sort of a secret from her. We let her try it though because #sisterhood.

After the GoPro debacle, several of us left to nap the daylight away until our stomachs could handle some more sandwiches. By then we were headed to a party one girl found in a dating app, so you know it was sketchy. Needless to say, we didn't stay long and then day 2 was another bust.

Day 3: Monday

Again the weather app was wrong and I wanted funny souvenirs for my family. So as the others dove right into the sandwiches another girl and I went shopping.

After finding the perfect "Praying for these hoes" cutoff for my father we went back to the hotel to meet our two best friends: coffee mugs and sandwiches.

Half a loaf later we were on the beach getting photos in free Trojan hats and shoving the products in our fanny packs which were promptly searched upon arrival at the beach party. #noshame. We found our group dancing on some guys in a circle.

These situations are so fun because when you join the group some guy inevitably grabs you and you go with it hoping that your friends will give you a signal if he's gross. Luckily for me, they weren't paying attention and he totally had a mustache.

Needless to say, I told him my name was Melissa and that my phone was broken. #byefelicia. One girl's dance partner was halfway to a food coma so we took him to get water at our hotel. Since we were there we figured we might as well have a sandwich or 10. One minute he was drinking his water hitting on her and the next we were all waking up to the moon and he was next to me.

It's still a mystery today but as he happened to be a brother in my exes house I made it my responsibility to rally the troops and get us the heck out of there. And that was another night at the bars.

Day 4: The sun came out and killed my phone.

The sun was out so of course, we were trying to catch some of those rays on the beach. I couldn't say how many guys said or did strange things to us while we were minding our business. I mean why grab my hair on your short walk to the condom stand?

A couple of us got sick of the wind and went for lunch at this tiny Mexican place who accepted credit cards by writing the number down with your driver's license number. The girl ahead of our group gave them a fake and we just refused to give them our IDs so our identities are probably safe, right?

Then the day had some boring bits until it was time for a lovely dinner of sandwiches before the "Anything but clothes" pool party. This time the dance circle didn't fail me and I escaped the lame trying to get at me. Then as we all sat around the hot tub the GoPro creep found us so we had to dive in. RED FLAG: I had my phone on me.

So I tried to untangle myself from the mess of people in the warm water and go out through the pool but the guy blocking the way had other plans. HE THREW ME IN LIKE I WAS A DAMN TOY. He also threw my friend. And that's how my phone drowned never to be revived. We left to make an effort to dry off and walked all the way to McDonald's to salvage the night. The others stayed at the pool and came stumbling in randomly through the night.

Day 5: Wait, who is Cole Swindell?

Two of nine girls in our group knew who Cole Swindell was before the trip and I was one of them. We woke up to the sun in the huge window and I wanted to be close to the front so I left with the other half of the group who didn't want any sandwiches.

The beach was not very full and some weird girl was dancing all kinds of strangely. I couldn't handle it so I went back to my room to play catch up with the others before the concert. We made it before Cole went on and were in the third row. People got crazy about fighting their way up but at some point, something snapped in my head and the girl next to me because I think one more push or shove and we would've become far less than lady like real quick.

I got quite a bit of aggression out while also falling even more in love with Cole Swindell. We also snapped a couple photos that were too good for me not to repost after the trip. Insta rules are so hard to follow without a phone.

Dinner was the whole group at the Seafood/Mexican place followed by some chilling. Then, of course, we got hungry for sandwiches before we made our way to the bar where guys shared their sandwiches to dance with us and beads were flying from their necks. I didn't earn any, though. I'm a loser. For whatever reason bars close at 2 am there so we hit the hay real quick.

Day 6: Another one

By another one, I mean another long ass drive with less than optimal music. AND I didn't have a phone to distract me from getting screwed over in gas money. Oh well though because I didn't have to drive much. The only notable thing about the trip back was that we hit border security and the owner of the car looked me dead in the face and accused me of having sandwiches in my bag.

We drove right through and the officer was hot AF. #hmu.

Day 7: Friday

Including this day because the girls that flew left Saturday morning and had too many adventures not to mention.

If you thought anything I said so far was interesting, it wasn't. But Friday South Padre got ratchet. Sandwiches eaten off of every inch of random girls. Beads being earned all over the place and hookups coming out of the woodwork. Those weren't my friends, though...

No, my friends just lost a sister hours before their shuttle came. She was making out with someone on a beach though and found her way back before they left. No big deal.