And when I felt my own soul,
I felt more connected to the ground I'd walked on each day.
It felt like my feet were touching the ground for the first time.
I was plunged into my body.
Where was I before?
Reality was so foggy.
So unconnected, so dull.
I came back with the zap of a magic wand.
Only to question the person I was and if any of my love was actually genuine.
Disguises and masks galore.
I have every size, shape, and color.
I try to match my reality to others to save me from myself, but my reality is unmatchable.
I can mask my reality all I want,
But I will be reminded to bask in the uniquenesses for which this life has given me.
I am connected to each individual I cross paths with, even strangers on the street.
But I can only access more love through myself.
My desire to merge my reality with others does not cease,
But I will eventually drown if I do not please my soul.
So I shall ache on my journey of self-love because drowning is a lot more painful.
Drowning is a timeless act when you've floated for so long.
A timeless pain.
Settling in life is floating and always leads to drowning.
And when you finally drown, you realize you were drowning all along.
Now each day I wake, I set my table.
Embrace my demons as I would embrace my friends.
My demons are like yellow snakes.
Yellow, such a beautiful color, but a ferocious bite.
Constantly biting me, yes, but to help me grow.
They bite to remind me of my unmet needs, and that I can healthily meet those needs on my own.
They bite so I can loosen my grip on life, to instead let the process unfold naturally.
We do not have control over the prominent experiences and changes in our lives.
But we can control the way we react and respond,
By pausing to notice how we feel before we do.
Will you choose apathy or empathy? Love or hatred?
All of my emotions exist, therefore I love them, even if I'm not feeling pleasure from them.
It is clear that the basis of life isn't built on pleasure.
There were many days where I did not know what my story was, I did not know the power I had, and I did not trust myself.
They loved me as I was but all I could think of was the pain I inflicted on myself.
I was just searching for the one who would truly understand me, for the one who would force me into my body, into my life.
But I realized I was the person I was looking for all along.
It took so many years to find such a simple answer.
But our actions to deny our own souls, to deny our own pain and suffering are a much greater force.
It's about loving where I am in the healing process, instead of feeding into the shame that was created from constantly failing and seeing others' succeed.
The shame from seeing others work on building themselves up because their pain didn't take over their lives.
I am still learning to be fully engulfed in my own meaning.
Because for so long I felt no meaning for what was within me.