For starters, everyone knows that I'm not nor have I ever been a size zero. I also don't plan on becoming a size zero. Not that there is anything wrong with being a size zero, [I believe all women are beautiful despite their body type], I just think that making that a goal for my body type is unrealistic.

Another point I'd like to touch on is this whole stigma around someone's beauty according to their body size. At 50 pounds heavier than I am now, I was still just as beautiful and no one can tell me any different. I just had a "plumper" body you could say; however, I was still the same girl.

Besides that I'm also annoyed with the reminder from everyone that I've lost weight. Yes I am aware that I lost weight, no it wasn't to impress a guy, I did it to change my lifestyle. I didn't do it for anyone in particular, I did it for myself, and to be honest I didn't realize I was going under a transformation, a lot of people didn't either till one day I walked in a completely different girl. It's something that progresses over time, not overnight, but it's worth it and it's not noticed at first. It was also very unintentional.

Unintentional in a sense that I actually wasn't trying to lose weight on purpose. I was trying to change my eating habits to accommodate my mental health. Thanks to my anxiety I convinced myself that if I kept eating the wrong food, it would have negative effects on my body, versus eating healthy food giving positive attributes to my body. Believe it or not, the things you eat and how you eat take a toll on how you feel about yourself overall, and let me tell you, I feel 1000x better now than I did last year eating fried food everyday. I also developed a system in my head in order to suppress my hunger, and it worked so well I'd have to force myself to eat some weeks because I didn't have much of an appetite.

However, I did develop an obsession. I became so obsessed with tracking every single gram of sugar and milligram of sodium and every carb and every fat and every single calorie I consumed. I didn't want to go over the limit on my tracker, I kept and still keep track of everything, I want to be as healthy as possible and keep everything controlled. I like to be in control. I like knowing that for a fact I'm going to lose 2 lbs every week just like my app told me I would, I like knowing that I am going to have progress. I like knowing that I'm going to change, that I'm only going to get smaller and escape my old lifestyle of fried foods, and jeggings and leggings (because jeans didn't fit right). I like knowing that I look decent in jeans now and that my love handles aren't big enough to really hold onto anymore. I love knowing I can wear cute bras from Victoria's Secret, because my boobs shrunk thanks to my weight loss and I can actually look semi decent in them. I love that actually.

Now I'm aware I still am nowhere near thin, you do not have to constantly remind me. I am trying my best to get to a healthy weight, but good things take time, especially if I want it to be a long-term glow up. Yet, I don't understand why people feel the need to inform me of that. I'm fucking trying, can't the effort and the progress I've acquired so far be acknowledged? Can't it be appreciated and applauded? Or do I have to be constantly told I'm still not skinny enough, pretty enough, matter of fact good enough. No matter what I can't satisfy people. They still tear me apart over my size, and don't get me started on how gross they make me feel when they make remarks about my stretch marks. Again, they're there to serve as a reminder of who I used to be and who I'm shrinking into. It's annoying when people are so desperate to tell me that I still am not good enough, or I'm uglier than someone else just because I'm bigger. Like I'm trying, LOOK AT ME I'M TRYING STOP PUTTING ME AND MY FEATURES DOWN. Sorry I have bigger boobs than you! God chose me to look this way, I can't help the fact the almighty God blessed me with them. It's for a reason. I like myself. I like my boobs.

And I'm learning to love myself and not let anyone's opinions but my own phase me.

It's hard though, when you don't feel like you're good enough.

When you feel so big, and you start feeding into people's comments about you.

And you stare at your reflection tearing yourself apart because you don't meet their standards.

But what about my standards?

And you start apologizing to yourself because you let yourself get that way.

I'm sorry I fucking like donuts.

I'm sorry I fucking like tacos so much.

I can't help it.

I'm trying to work it off.

I'm trying so hard.

And I can see the progress, why can't everyone else.

Why can't people just be proud of what I've done so far with myself, and then be there to support me as I keep working to be a better version of myself.

But wait.

Why do I let other's opinions hover over me like those rain clouds do when you're having a bad day? Why do I allow them to soak me with their comments when I have the power to open my umbrella up and be on my way?

Why do I let a drop of water soak so far deep into my skin, that it causes me to feel flooded and overwhelmed with the fear that what I'm doing and what I've been doing isn't enough.

Why do I let them pluck my petals and make me feel like I'm not beautiful.

My mind becomes cloudy.

Then I remind myself I'm trying to be like a sunflower in a way, looking and growing towards the sunshine.

But I guess like all other flowers I need a little rain to grow and be able to appreciate and love myself. Despite the storm of comments that rumble as I continue to progress and grow.