Let me start off by saying, I’m sorry I abandoned you. I am so very sorry I left you alone in the mess we created together. I feel so guilty for your addictions; I cannot even begin to explain it.

When we met, we were young and foolish - excited to try new things. I wanted my life to be like the movies. A young girl, adventurous and dangerous, who learned from her mistakes and grows to be someone’s who uses her story to help others. But, honey, those coming of age stories are scary when they become real life.

We started playing a dangerous game. We’d hang out with people we didn’t know and do whatever we could to feel alive. The issues I’d pushed to the side were coming into play and gradually getting worse. I’d go days without eating and nights without sleep. We turned it into a competition. We’d see who could go the longest, who could do the most, etc. But I remember feeling scared the entire time.

I was horrified of what could happen. We could’ve easily OD'd, gone too long without food, or drank too much. But that was the fun of it - risking it all. I’d long for the days and nights I could spend with you. We’d spend all of our time together finding our next high or being high. I’m so sorry I let it get go that far.

I’m sorry I got scared and pulled myself out of the lifestyle we were living. I’m sorry I saw myself as the people wed meet up with and I’m sorry I didn’t want to be like them. The thought of ODing became scary to me, it wasn’t a game anymore. It was real life and I either had to stop myself or go all in.

So I stopped myself. I didn’t mean to leave you behind, but you didn’t want to follow. I tried to bring you with me. I tried to save you. You wanted to continue playing and I wanted to quit before it was game over. I will never be able to explain to you how guilty I feel when I see you on the street or in the gas station - looking as if you’ve already died. You had a sparkle in your eye that seems to have gone away.

I hope that one day that sparkle comes back and you build a life for yourself. I hope you find joy and happiness in your life. I hope you find your freedom - as I found mine. But, until then, I hope you stay alive. I hope you watch the sun rise and set. I hope you listen to the birds sing each morning. I hope you enjoy life as often as you can. Life is beautiful it just takes a while to realize it.

Now, I’d like to thank you. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on and someone to love when I couldn’t love myself. Thank you for being the example for myself when I think everything is falling apart. Because when things get rough I think to myself - I could always be where you are. I’m sorry I think of it that way. But thank you so very much for the memories made and the lessons learned. Maybe one day our paths will cross again, but I hope they never do.