Because I have limited funds, and I don't feel like spending half of my free time every weekend in a dark theater and half my not-free time in a dark theater, I've decided I'm not going to be reviewing new movies week by week. But watching movies on a laptop in a dark room? Well, sign me up, buttercup!

I browsed Netflix for something that would be a worthy first review, and there I saw it, glistening like a freshly waxed car/baby's head. I don't think I've actually watched the first "Spy Kids" all that much, I spent all my childhood days watching "Spy Kids 2" and "Spy Kids 3D" for some reason. But because I was so familiar with the other twos films' gleefully painful cheesiness, I thought to myself, It's about time I re-watched the film equivalent of a dad playing alone with his children's toys! I kicked my chair up, sat back and got ready to let the jokes come to me.

But as the film started playing, and went on, I had to sit up. I had to think to come up with jokes, nothing stupid had happened in a while. And before I knew it, I was enjoying "Spy Kids." Maybe I'm just the only one whose memories of these films are far worse than they are. I guess I'll have to re-watch the other two to see how they hold u—GAH, WHAT AM I SAYING?

Fine, I'll get down to it. A TV star named Floop and the guy from Monk decide to make robot child-soldiers for the gay guy from "American Beauty." And since a former dad spy, now with a former wife spy and two children, didn't destroy something called "The Third Brain," Floop and Monk decide to capture them to use The Third Brain to power the soldiers. "Why didn't the dad destroy it?" I hear you ask in between munches on popcorn while listening to the enchanting tale unfold. "Don't you go asking questions!" I yell back. "I said I enjoyed it, I didn't say it was good!" Anyways, Floop and Monk capture the two former spies, and it's up to the kids to not get their parents killed.

I'm not saying the film doesn't have its share of stupid moments. How can the parents keep all of this spy gear from the two most oblivious children in the entire world? The mother outright tells them their backstories on a nightly basis! And I guess they don't worry about the whirring noises in the living room late at night. "How can they afford all this?" I imagine one of the interns tried to say, through his duct-taped mouth. These questions are ultimately futile though, I'd rather watch this version than "Spy Parents Going Through Their Budget And Explaining It To The Audience." Besides, asking early-2000s kids' films to not be dumb is like asking my family to give you a reason why they love me, they just won't understand you. Characters do strange things just to move scenes along, and if you look closely, you can see the screenwriters in the background throwing their hands up in the air.

Yes, the effects are terrible. Yes, the story's anti-climactic. Yes, the two children aren't quite Daniel Day-Lewis-level actors. But despite all this, I found myself largely enjoying the film and not just tolerating it. The action, while more fake than Peter Dinklage's accent in "Game of Thrones," is exciting, and the whole thing moves at a brisk pace. Perhaps that's why the stupidity never got to me, every time I raised my finger to call bullsh*t, we were on a boat chase.

And the saving grace is that "Spy Kids" has its heart in the right place. "Family is good," the film sputters out every ten or so minutes, but that's not what I mean. It's a live-action action kids' movie that works well for kids, but perhaps even better for adults and in-betweeners like me. It's exciting, it's dumb, but it's quick and won't give you brain cancer. Don't watch the sequels all at once though, I heard the fifth is going to be called "Spy Kids Franchise Binge-er Sells Car to Pay For Chemo."

Oh yeah, and I came up with My Own Rating System™ where I have two Ratings™. One is how good the film technically is, and the other is for how much I enjoyed it. For example, "The King's Speech" was a good movie, but I didn't enjoy it very much, and "Furious 7" is a jammed car compacter malfunctioning on the brink of explosion, but I very much liked it. Without further ado, here are the Ratings™.

Quality: 3.5/5

My Rating: 3/5

Overall Rating: 6.5/10