Sophomores.

We’re supposed to have it down. How to save money, how to spend money, how to not spend money, how to wish we spent the money, how to make money by selling everything we own, how to make it all year on the same meal plan, how to survive on peanut butter when that meal plan goes to h*ll; we’re supposed to know our major, exactly what our major is, what we’re going to do with that major, what we’re going to do when that major doesn’t work for us, how we’re going to pay for all of that by selling our other kidney; where are we going to live next year and the year after that and then the year following and then every year for the next ten years; how to do taxes, how to shop sales, what are tax breaks, when are voting days, what party are we affiliated with, what party are we affiliated with when our parents ask, who we’re going to marry, who we’re not going to marry, who we’re going to wish we married, how many kids we want, how many kids we’ll probably have, what kind of dog do we want, will we get cats and dogs and make them friends, will we be vegans, will we let our kids eat sugar or sausage, will we have any organs left to sell at this point?

I wish someone had warned me about sophomore year. Everyone warns you about freshman year, from the “top ten tips all freshman should know” or the “dear my freshman self” articles, but where are the sophomore articles? Where are our tips? Where is our help? Lost in an eternal sea of freshmen.

I won’t lie. Sophomore year is hard. It’s very hard actually. I can vouch for myself and say I know none of the answers to the above questions. Last year about this time I told my mom I had been hit by a mattress truck. This year I’ll tell her I’ve been hit by a cliff that fell out of the sky.

So, what are some things I’ve learned so far as a new sophomore?

1. School is actually a thing this year.

Despite how much you wish to believe that last year was “oh so hard” and “could never get any harder” and you “literally died last year”, sophomore year makes last year look like the most amazing poop at the bottom of a gold plated toilet in the Palace of Versailles. Skip class? You fail. Study the night before? You fail. Go to class and pay attention and take all the notes and study a week in advance? You fail.

The problem is, you really want that A in that class. You need that A in that class.

Life is serious. According to your counselors, jobs don’t want your C- self. They want your A+ self. In fact, if you get a C-, you may as well call the towing company and tow your ass back home to live on your parents' couch.

So your only option? Study. Study. Study. Which leads to number 2.

2. RIP Going Out On The Weekdays. Ever.

I overheard someone last Wednesday ask a friend if he was going to specials. My initial thought was, “Oh, no. There’s a sale going on and I’ve missed it. I really wanted a new necklace.”

Going out on a weekday?

A myth.

Like #1, school is serious. You have to get that A. Your parents demand it, your teachers demand it, your jobs demand it.

But it’s not just studying that overtakes your life—which of course tends to take up 72.999% of your night—but clubs, meetings, Greek life, tutoring, volunteering. You look around at everyone around you, who is doing about ten million more things than you are, and you wonder how in the world they could possibly get all of that done and look so happy.

If you made a list of your entire day, the list would be longer than the day itself. And when you do have a moment of free time, the last place you want to be is around actual other human beings.

3. There aren’t really 24 hours in a day.

It’s a silly elementary school myth. A lie. 24 hours in a day? Somehow you think you’ve got your whole day planned and you’re going to get everything done? Wrong, my friend.

There are only three hours in a day. Sometimes four when it's a leap year. Time flies. Except for in class. Here it freezes and decides to go backward, leaving you stranded, confused, and hopeless.

4. Everyone is somehow in a relationship.

Everyone, particularly the ones who claimed they’d never, ever get into relationships because they just weren’t the relationship people and relationships were only for cheese weenies and led to eternal lives of misery and black holes.

And you come back to school and suddenly they have someone they call their ‘boo thang’.

How? When? Why? No one truly knows. The internet, summer camp, Eastern Europe. All of these have been proposed, but the answer still evades us all as we scan the monstrous sea of couples and the lonely pieces of kelp—that’s you, single people—floating among them.

5. Sophomore seventeen is even more real than freshman fifteen.

Oh, you finished freshman year? You thought you were in the clear from those pesky pounds of percolating fat?

Yea right.

Sophomore seventeen. Do or die. Mostly die. You come back from summer and you feel fantastic. You tell yourself you’re going to stay active and workout every day and keep that bikini body up to date all the way to spring break and make the gym your b*tch.

Then you walk to class for the first time in the hottest part of the day up Mt. Kilimanjaro.

And Chik-Fil-A is in your backyard again and no parents telling you to eat your veggies.

So you really only have one option.

The rec center? You're kidding. You can't even make it up the hill to class without huffing and puffing. You really think you're going to show your face in the gym, try to keep up with all the meatheads in that steroid wasteland?

Not to mention, you have absolutely no time to waste on silly things like personal hygiene and appearance.

But don't worry because at least 86% of us are in the same boat as you, if not worse off.

6. Your personal hygiene has gone downhill. A lot.

It goes hand in hand with number five. New food, no gym, no time? Goodbye, hygiene. Wearing the same clothes you did to Monday’s classes on Tuesday because you won’t see anyone from those classes on Tuesday? Yep. Not washing your sheets for at least month? Yep. Laundry every two weeks? Yep. Eating a bag of pretzels for lunch and dinner instead of having to walk outside? Yep. Not actually seeing sunlight for twenty-four hours? Yep. Yep. Yep.

Showers? Febreze. Oily hair? Hats.

But you don't really care because you don't hang out with human beings anymore, remember?

7. The “I’m a freshman” excuse doesn’t work so well anymore.

When you do something stupid like go to the wrong class for an entire two weeks straight and only discover that you’re in the wrong class when your attendance grade is a big, whopping goose poop, you can’t blame it on being a freshman. In fact, you can’t blame it on anything. You can only smile and wish you were dead.

Not knowing where your classes are, walking into the wrong classes or the wrong quadrant in the Hayley Center and having to turn around as if you just remembered something or walking straight into a wall as you try to look up the correct room number?

Trying to swipe your credit card to get into your dorm, thinking you can spend $25 dollars on dinner and still have enough money to survive all semester? These are classic freshmen mistakes that we can’t make any more. Which only leads to one conclusion for us all.

8. You're not allowed to freak out anymore.

Sophomore year is about composure. It's about getting yourself together and keeping yourself together.

You can't cry because that means you've lost. And you don't lose as a sophomore. You only win. Always.

So hold back those tears and don't let them show.

You don't even have to cry that bad. It's just your life falling apart.

8. Sleep is now necessary.

You can’t pull those all weekers anymore like you used to. You can barely pull those all-nighters like you used to. You need sleep to function humanely.

And when you don't?

So the only option here is to make everyone as miserable as you.

But when you do get a glorious eight hours of sleep, you still feel like a pile of cat poop in the desert in the middle of July.

9. You feel old.

Not just physically since you can't make it out two nights in a row or consecutive weekends like you used to and you hate it.

You're old. You're no longer a freshman. You actually have to start thinking about your future.

But again, you can't freak out because you're a sophomore.

So you just have to fake it 'till you make it.

But the good news?

10. You're no longer a freshman. Congratulations. Treat yourself to something nice.

After finishing your homework and all of your prior obligations first, of course.