Has something big ever happened to you, and after that you just don't feel the same anymore? Not feeling quite the same has happened to most people, usually after a tragedy in their life. From personal experience, numbness was a predominant factor in my life after such an event. My usual activities and interests didn't stimulate me or catch my fancy anymore. I felt like everything was passing by me in life, and I wasn't doing anything to stop it or grab on to something.
Numbness was the result of me refusing to deal with how I felt about what had happened. I shoved my emotions aside and told myself that I would deal with those later - I had other priorities that demanded my attention like my school work. I threw myself into my school work in an attempt to escape, but those emotions kept creeping up on me. I continued to push them away and focus on anything to distract me from my feelings.
I kept telling myself (as well as others), "I'm fine. Everything's fine". This became my mantra that would get me through the day, and it also became the phrase that I would tell myself in order to stop any emotions from bubbling to the surface. I'm never one to tell other people how I'm feeling unless it's something good. If I'm upset or something is bothering me, I often tell people I'm alright or fine. I lied to myself for so long that I actually began to believe that I was fine and nothing was right under the surface. I think I was afraid to admit much of anything because I was afraid that I would be judged for feeling something.
Much to my dismay, those buried emotions began to seep into my school work, personal life and anywhere else they could take hold. I decided enough was enough and found someone to talk to about all of it. Normally I would've gone to my closest friend with all that was going on, but we hadn't been talking recently and I knew that he had his own things to worry about. Turns out that the campus pastor at the college I attend has gone through a very similar situation to my own, and was open to talking with me about it.
We began to meet regularly and hash out everything that had and has being going on, and it really helped me process what was going on around me. The numbness was gradually wearing off, and then kind of shattered around me all at once. Over the next few months I found other people who were willing to listen and support me through this journey of slowly picking up the pieces of myself. Unfortunately, I found that there were people who wanted to be there and help, but in reality, they were not the kind of people I needed and had to drop them off at the next stop I came to.
After nearly a year of denying everything and everyone around me, I've started to come around. Yes, it's been hard, but I've always had someone there by my side to keep me moving. I'm no longer stuck in one place, and am slowly making my way forward as hard as it may be. I no longer feel numb, and am beginning to remember what it means to feel alive.
"Somebody shine a light
I'm frozen by the fear in me
Somebody make me feel alive
And shatter me
So cut me from the line
Dizzy, spinning endlessly
Somebody make me feel alive
And shatter me"
-Lindsey Stirling ft. Lizzy Hale, "Shatter Me"
