I read something interesting the other day, I’m not sure where, but it went something along the lines of: you don’t fall in love by chance, it’s a choice that you make.
It seems logical doesn’t it? Just stop and really think about it. It makes a lot of sense.
At some point in your relationship you either consciously, or subconsciously, make the choice to love whomever you are with. You aren't caught unaware! Angels don't suddenly appear, with cherubim and trumpets to proclaim, “You are in love!”
However, with all this being said, the question I have is this: why do most of us make the choice to love what is toxic to us? What we cannot have, so to speak. Why choose to love the ones who hurt us the most?
The only logical conclusion I can come to is that we have become so influenced by the media and society’s marred view of love that we've convinced ourselves that it is rare. We’ve managed to make the decision that that love is so uncommon, that when it comes our way we have to do everything in our power to hold on.
Hold on with every ounce of willpower we can muster.
No matter how toxic.
OK. Let’s take a step back. There are so many different kinds of love out there. What I’m talking about hasn’t been experienced by all, it’s merely a crude observance from my perspective. Whether it’s valid or not is completely up to your own experiences. In all honesty, I’m the last person who should be speaking on the matter because I’m too young to even know what love is, right?
Well, the bible has done a pretty great job of defining it for those of us who think we have it or for those of us who have yet to experience it. It reads:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." -- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 New International Version NIV
I think it’s safe to say that First Corinthians nails a definition of love even those of us who aren’t religious can agree with.
So where does the toxic love come from? The simple answer is that it’s not love. So why do we insist on calling it love? The Oxford English Dictionary defines toxic as "of the nature of a poison; poisonous". I don’t know about you, but I don't think I can classify anything to do with love as poisonous, let alone be in a poisonous relationship.
Most relationships don’t commence with toxicity; they end up toxic because we forget that love is patient. We ignore the kindness that love has to offer. We envy others’ love. We love to boast. We become too proud to let love in. It would be really easy to blame society for all these problems, but who makes up society? You do. I do. So who makes the choice to be proud, boastful and envious instead of kind and hopeful? Not society. Society can tell you how to feel, but it can't make you feel those things, only you are in control of your feelings and actions.
In order to avoid ending up in a poisonous relationship, one should ask themselves in advance, “Am I willing to show kindness and patience? Am I willing to be less prideful and envious?” As humans, all these are easier said than done, but effort is the key to any prevailing relationship.
The choice is yours.
