So you want to throw the perfect party? You came to the right place. As someone who once hosted a Dragonball Z-themed party (third grade was a blur), I believe I am more than qualified to lend some advice on this topic. Let's get started.
Before you do anything, you have to pick a date for the party. At this point, it seems like Thursday, Friday and Saturday night parties have jumped the shark. My research has shown that the best time to throw your party is somewhere between 9 a.m. and 2 p.m. on a Tuesday. This is the point in the week when people are most likely to get a little bit rowdier, which makes for an even better party atmosphere. Think of it as the full moon of the standard week. You really can’t go wrong.
So you have the time of the party set up. What’s next, you ask? Well you have to send out invitations, dummy! This also means that you have to create a guest list. Clearly you should put your close friends on the guest list, but if you really want to put it over the top, you’re going to need to make some phone calls. Dial up your local nursing home and tell everyone there to come on over (It will take them a few days to get there, FYI). That’s right, we’re partying like it’s 1939! There’s nothing that spices up a party more than hearing a good story about The Great Depression. Then, the next step is the act of delivering your invitations to everyone else on the list. You have to do something that people will remember, so I suggest putting the invitation in a box with a live snake. Now who could ever forget opening that up!
Time? Check. Guest list? Check. The next step in the process is to pick a theme. Ask anyone - you can’t reasonably expect to throw a good party without an interesting theme. I don’t want you all to hurt yourselves thinking of good party themes, so I’ve taken some time to think of my own.
1) Japanese night: For this party, everyone dresses up how they normally would when going out. Button downs, dresses, etc. However the twist is that everyone speaks Japanese the entire night. No other languages allowed. Now you might be saying, “Hey wait, I don’t even know how to speak Japanese!” That’s part of the fun! If you try your best at making noises that you kind of think sound like the Japanese language, everyone will applaud your effort. Let's be real, there is literally a zero-percent chance anyone could get offended by you giving it your best effort!
2) NFL Jersey: Now maybe you’ve heard of something like this before. You’re probably thinking that you just wear your favorite player’s jersey for the night and the theme ends there. But you couldn’t be more wrong! With this theme, you are free to commit any crime of your choosing, no questions asked. Don’t like the music that’s being played? Burn down the house you’re in! Some guy won't stop hitting on your girlfriend? Literally murder him! This theme only works because we all know that when you’re wearing an NFL jersey, laws don’t apply to you.
3) Oregon Trail: This theme may just be my favorite. For this one, you have to turn off the electricity source of your house. We’re living in Oregon Trail times now! In this theme, much like those traveling on the 2,200-mile Oregon Trail in the mid-1800s, it’s a guarantee that half of the partygoers won't survive the night. Now it just doesn’t get more exciting than that! Also, there will be no drinks served because supplies are running low, and there’s a good possibility you will have to eat the DJ to survive until the sunrise. Party on!
Now that you have the perfect time to host your party and a killer theme to boot, the only issue left to address is the music selection. We all know that music can make a break a party, so it’s imperative to have the right mix of songs.
Start the night off with something calm and relaxing to welcome everyone into the environment. I was thinking either "Raining Blood" by Slayer or "Requiem for a Dream" by Lux Aeterna. You know, just something to get everyone comfortable. After this solid intro, you’re going to need to keep building the tempo as you get further into the party. Some suggestions here include “Friday” by Rebecca Black, anything by Shaquille O’Neal and "The Alphabet Song." Really, anything that will get the people going. Then, right as the party hits it’s peak, you have toss on the oldies. I’m talking about hopping on XM radio and switching the dial straight to the “20’s on 2” station. It’s not a fraternity party if people aren’t breaking out the Charleston!
And with that, you’ve put together the perfect party. If you want to spice it up a little bit more, you could go around and very deliberately put Tic-Tac’s in people’s drinks to keep them on edge and see how they react, or yell “fire” right in the middle of the dance floor - anything to keep it exciting! Put all of these elements together, and you’ll have something people will be talking about for fortnights.
