Dear Boy Who I “Ruined” It With:

You might remember me as the girl who farted when we were watching a movie. Otherwise known as the girl who was “too classy to hold it in”. Now, I’m imagining my mothers face as she begins to read and she’s most likely thinking why in the world I would be telling everyone about the one time that I farted in front of a boy on our first “date”, BUT, I’m going to.

I’m about to be 21 years old as of Halloween and I’ve only had one boyfriend in my entire life. You might be thinking, “cool story bro”, but I’ve got more. I am decently average in the looks game and I kind of stay active, if that counts me running up and down the road to fuel my coffee addiction. I meet cute boys and I’m not afraid to hit them up, give them a wink, and ask them to go for coffee. Most of the time I get turned down, but its whatever.

Just as school started, I went to see a movie with a guy I was highly interested in. He was someone that my parents would have liked me to bring home; tall, fit, working on being educated, and with a nice family background. It was like a little match made in heaven, right?

So previous to the movie I ate a big bowl of Chipotle and added extra black beans not realizing I would do something crazy like go see a guy after eating beans. I’ve always been a pretty open person when it comes to my body language, maybe that’s a weird thing to some people, but who cares, what do I have to hide, right?

Ha, so right during the middle of the movie, in the quietest part possible my body makes this really weird sound that I am very accustomed to hearing. I farted with a boy right beside me. So instead of trying to lie when he asked what that sound was, of course I tell him I farted because hello, who doesn’t like an honest girl?

Long story short we both laugh and he acted like it wasn't a big deal. But the funny thing to me is that I never heard from him again. So at first I was just like oh it’s the middle of the week, he has homework. Okay, cool. But one can only use that excuse for so long. Before I know it an entire week has passed and still no word from my “fart boy”. Eventually I realize he was so mortified that I farted near him that he can’t even respond to me.

The moral of the story isn’t that I farted on his cute cute boy. The moral of the story is about decency and about respect. Sure, farting is gross, I guess if you look at it that way. I still text my sister every time I take a #2 because it's funny to see who can more within a day. I am still going to do me and be me and NOT care because I am a really cool person that happens to sometimes have a heart of gold.

Just because some boy got all weirded out that I farted around him just means that he isn’t ready to have a serious fun time with a girl and he sure can’t take my personality and my liveliness. I’m calling this one a save for me, because I want a boy who I can laugh with, fart with, burp with, cry with, and have spaghetti sauce on my shirt with. I want someone who can challenge me, make me grow, and make me come back down to earth when I’m being too dramatic. I want someone who will find me and all of my glory as beautiful, smart, and dynamic as my momma finds me, and if you can’t handle that I farted, then SHAME ON YOU. It’s friggin’ 2016 and I’m just going to hair flip, because my hair is beautiful fyi boy, and then I’m going to prance away on my cute Steve Madden heels because duh!

And to all the girls who can’t seem to catch a break with all the jerk-holes out here that we have to deal with nowadays. Don’t settle, not even for a minute or a second. You will find your prince charming when you least expect it and I so so so believe in you and you deserve the world and then some. Just because you get turned down once, twice, three times or more doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to find someone. Take my experiences and then your experiences and make you grow into the fabulous person that you are. Don’t let some bimbo get your head or heart down because we are beautiful and smart and funny. Treat yourself and move those expensive shoes forward with your future.