When we're little we learn the importance of good manners. We're taught to say "thank you" after someone does something nice for us, “please" when we want to ask someone for something, and "sorry" when we've hurt someone or done something wrong.
As we grow older, these lessons never leave us. In order to build relationships and seem like a decent human being we need to keep saying "thank you", "please" and "sorry". However, I think that one of these words is used just a little too much.
"Sorry" has become a frequent flyer in my daily vocabulary. Part of my morning routine has become apologizing to the person behind me when I'm getting my coffee--just in case they think I'm taking too long stirring in the sugar and milk. After I cough, a normal bodily function, I say sorry for making a noise that might be considered annoying. I say sorry for holding the door for someone who might be a little too far away from it. I say sorry when somebody walks into me when I'm heading down the sidewalk on the way to class. I say sorry for printing too many pages and holding up the printer in the library. I've apologized for squeaky shoes, the weather, long assignments, dropping things, not knowing a song, accidentally overcooking something--you name it, I've probably apologized for it. In fact I probably apologized for it yesterday.
So why has the word "sorry" become such a big part of my day? I'm not hurting anyone and I'm not doing anything wrong-- so why does it feel like I need to say sorry for every little thing I do? It's as if I'm apologizing for existing, for doing normal everyday things, taking my time and making mistakes. And I don't think I'm the only one.
It's a common stereotype that women apologize far too much. A stereotype that is, well, true. According to this study published in Psychological Science women apologize more than men. 33 females and 33 males over the course of 12 days were asked to complete a questionnaire each night where they described three instances in which they apologized, and three where they felt they were the victim. At the end of the study, women reported more instances of apology and more instances of being the victim than men did. Researchers then held a second study where 63 women and 57 men rated the severity of three separate offenses on a seven-point scale. Women consistently rated the offenses as more severe than the males. The results of this study led researchers to believe that men appear to apologize less, because their threshold for what they consider to be an offense is much higher than women's.
So why do women consider more things to be a offensive in comparison to men? In an interview with ABC News, body language expert Tonya Reiman suggested that "Women have more connectivity between the left brain and the right brain and because of that we're more emotional and more sensitive to how other people are feeling", in turn this sensitivity leads us to apologize more. While I do feel like there is some truth to this claim, it does not explain why so many women apologize for little things that they know are no fault of their own. I think this comes down to culture.
I believe that we apologize for every little thing because it's become ingrained in the way we speak and the way we think. Instead of thinking about what we're saying and what our words actually mean, it's become an automatic response. We grow up listening to every female around us excessively apologize and think that it's normal. That for some reason if we stop apologizing we're in the wrong.
So it's time to reject that way of thinking and stop apologizing. Next time you go out count the number of "Sorrys" that leave your lips. You might be surprised by how many times you say the word without even thinking about it. As for me, I'll continue taking my time making my coffee, coughing and holding doors for too long -- but without the mention of one little word. After all, there's really no need to apologize.
