CW: Organs, Body parts

Times are hard- do you find yourself struggling to pay for healthcare? Do you find yourself unable to make a living wage? Do you owe over $50k in student loan debt? It's time to think outside the box.

Surprise- you already have a bounty of resources. Your bank account may be empty, but your greatest asset of all... is your young, healthy body.

So you just got that first student loan bill in the mail, and you're panicking.

Have you considered literally selling yourself off for scrap?

Shoulder, $600

Shoulders: Who needs them? "Shoulder" is a bit ambiguous considering shoulders are actually made up of several different muscles and bones, so be careful not to get ripped off on this one. If he wants the shoulder, he only gets the shoulder- you could flip the forearm for another few hundred. Raking it in, amirite?

Kidney, $262,000

This is a very dangerous procedure to be undergoing in a dark alley. However, this is almost the exact amount of my student loan debt. Coincidence? I think not. Tempting, for sure.

Skin, $10 per square inch

Skin- wow. There's a market for skin. Just think about it- you could make up to $30,000 total! A few bucks short of that birth control co-pay? Rip off another square inch, buddy, let 'at em.

Hand (Without Forearm), $185

Arguably this would be a hard one to lose. But maybe someone really needs a new hand? And at least your hand would be put to good use?

Hand (With Forearm), $385

Okay, this one is even sadder. That's also a hard one to explain. It would be pretty obvious that you had just lost half of your arm. That's gonna be a challenge to explain to friends. But if you just tell them you had to pay your student loan bills, I know they'll nod their heads in agreement and say, "I feel you, man."

Vertical Slice Of The Entire Length Of Your Body, $15,000

If all else fails, just sell an entire slice of your body. You lost your healthcare, wages are stagnant, the cost of living is high. One day, you've just had enough. Roll in, and be like, "Just take a slice. Take a whole slice off me, man. That should cover the Stafford Loan for now."

Bone Marrow: $23,000 per gram

You can donate bone marrow in the U.S., but you're not supposed to sell it on the Black Market. I'm not saying you should, but wowee is that a number. This is close to the amount of my Perkins Unsubsidized Loan. I mean, that's a really sketchy, and painful procedure, but damn what I wouldn't do to stop getting those Final Warning Notice letters in the mail.

Gallbladder, $1,219

I do not know what a gallbladder does, because I am a writer. See? I got a college education and I don't even know about gallbladders. So this one could be a good deal, or a really bad one. Either way, I'm completely naive. Prime opportunity for Sergei to rip me off.

Small intestine, $2,519

I feel like this one's important. I really do. Definitely consult some serious Google research about what body parts do before you undergo your new organ-sales lifestyle.

Scalp, $607

I have no idea how this would work. Would you just be a bloody head? That sounds really scary. Could you even survive that? Honestly that's not that much for a scalp, if you ask me. My face is completely beautiful so you add another zero to that number and we'll talk.

Skull with teeth, $1,200

I don't know where you'd put your brain if you sold your brainhouse, but this is what they go for on the market. You could find some kind of mannequin casing or maybe a really sexy jar. Jarhead, they'd call you. It could be avant-garde, you know. A statement on capitalism.

Teeth: $5 per

Can't believe the going price on this is so low. But apparently this is completely legal, and there are tooth dealers who sell them in batches? Oh, and if you have gold fillings, value goes way up.

There are also a bunch of weirdos on Etsy who sell art made out of teeth. I guess that's another option. What are we doing in this world. We're getting into deep territory.

Liver, $157,000

This would probably cover almost all of your student loans, so bam, you're in the clear. But I remember that night at Theta Chi with the kegstands, Rachel. I saw you at Beach Week. No one's going to buy your liver.

Spleen, $508

This is about one month to three months' student loan payments, depending on your plan. Not bad! Just to keep in mind.

Pint Of Blood, $337

Wow, wow, wow. Up to $3,370 of potential here! Of course, it's illegal to sell your blood in the U.S. (that's why they have you donate it), but I mean..everything on this list has been illegal pretty much. If you go all and drain your entire fleshly vessel, you can net over $3k. In case hard times strike, it's always good to know you've got that fallback.

Eyeball: $1,525

This is one month's rent and/or five student loan payments. This was the cost of the meal plan I gleefully signed up for freshman year. Thanks, Freshman Me! Who knew it would only cost me an eyeball! Hope you enjoyed that dining hall buffet. #WorthIt!

College is not a scam! Your debts are reasonable. They can be easily paid. Your parents were right- you just have to work hard, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and quit that millennial whining. Sell your organs to make rent, just like they did! Back in your dad's day one eyeball would pay for an entire year of college! Now it costs a kidney, but hey-ho! Keep good faith. At least it's not two kidneys, am I right?

And then once that's over, look forward to selling your most valuable resource of all- the minutes of your life, for $7.25 an hour or maybe more if you're lucky, for the rest your days.

Then you can use that wealth of hard-earned penny change to pay for your rent, to pay for your car, to pay for your phone bill, to pay for your laptop, to pay for your food, to pay for your healthcare, to pay for all the cutest clothes and the newest make-up and maybe, if you're lucky, that once-a-year vacation so you can take that Instagram selfies to show all your friend you're living the life of your dreams.

Then you can keep doing this, over and over again, forever and ever!

It is a true blessing to work all day so that we can have the blessing of coming home and being too exhausted to think, so that we then may partake of the blessing of watching tv and scrolling through news feeds and drinking the ol' glass of wine with your TV-dinner-for-one so when you fall asleep staring at the blank white walls, you're too exhausted to feel the insistent hum of your own mind, too subdued to feel rage at the system, too drugged to feel anything at all but the numbing neurosis of "It's not enough, how do I get more?" but deep down you know you never will, so the leaden dread sinks over you, you fall in to restless sleep, contemplate selling your organs, then wake up the next day and do it all again.

This is the American dream. <3

Disclaimer: Seriously, don't sell your organs on the black market. Or if you do, don't tell Sergei I said anything.