As I was driving home the other day, my mind went over and over all of the bad situations that have been happening in my life. I immediately wanted to pick up the phone and call my mom. The problem is every time I go to pick up my phone I remember I can't. I don't have that privilege anymore. It isn't a God given right to have your parents and I am slowly realizing that.
My mind wandered to what my mom must be doing and how she must be rejoicing with her loved ones there and then I heard it. The sweetest little laugh coming from the backseat. I'm not sure why or what happened, but in that moment it gave me pure joy. I remembered leading my mom back to church and how I rarely let her miss a church service when I was younger, sick or not.
After hearing a John Michael Montgomery song at the time that talked about a little girl seeing Jesus I wondered who he was and being the curious little rascal I was at the time, I didn't stop until I found out. I overheard my mom telling my dad. "That baby wants to go to church and I'm taking her." I got closer and closer to the Lord and I was saved at 8 years old. I found my best friend, my keeper, my refuge.
The problem is I've been resentful. I've questioned why God would take someone so dear and I have certainly skipped a few Sundays of church with the thought that it was fine, because God has taken so much from me. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed, but I'm also a little rebellious and so is my sweet girl. I have spent entire days exhausted and wondering how in the world that I do it, but then I remember God gave me my own little example of myself to show me lessons I need to learn on occasion.
It might sound like I am rambling, but hear me out. That same night I was in the car I thought about those church rides with my mom and the laughs. Memories of her bringing me little snack cakes after choir practice came to mind and then I heard my sweet girl laugh. I can't tell you how many occasions I felt like giving it all up. I always knew I would be lost without my mom and I know where she is and that she is happy, but at times I am simply selfish.
I thought about Genesis and how God made the world. How he created life, light, and the universe. I thought about how all of it was thought about before hand and carefully planned out. I realized I have felt guilty for having a baby while others can't and I have felt overwhelmed at times dealing with a little version of myself.
You see, it is my belief that God knew exactly what he was doing when he made me a mom. I think he thought about it and he said well school can wait a little while, because I am going to give her something she really needs. He knew I would be lost without my sweet mother, so he gave me the right to become one myself. I believe that God said she needs someone to ride to church and share laughs with.
I think that while we might not be as important as the world and the making of the universe, God saw it fit to make life a little more bearable when I feel like giving up on it. He looked down at my life and he saw something missing. Just like when he made the universe, he made something special to me. So God gave me a daughter.