I love small talk. Rather, I love the questions often associated with small talk. When I ask about your day, I don’t just want to fill silence with brief exchanges of how the day went; I genuinely want to know how your day went. I don’t ask how you are just to hear “fine”; I actually want to know how you’re doing, and why you’re not doing too well.
Unfortunately, “how are you?” is a question of greeting, not genuine care. It is one we say, myself included, when passing one another with only a second or two to respond. It is one we ask the person next to us in the five minutes before class or a meeting. It is one we forget the answer to after thirty seconds. Somehow, small interactions have become equated with small talk.
It’s not necessary, though. A three minute conversation can be intriguing, and not mumblings about the weather while we both scroll through our phones. We just need to figure out how to make small talk bigger.
Be sincere.
Put away your phone and make eye contact. Ask a question or two and actively listen to the answers. Make sure the person you’re speaking to is able to tell you care.
Ask better questions.
I find “How are you?” becomes more effective once I know a person more and I’m able to gauge how they need me to respond. When responding to it in a setting where it is clearly polite and not sincere, though, people automatically say “fine.”
Try thinking of some questions we don’t have an automatic response to. Make them think, even just a second or two more. Here are some of my personal favorites:
1. What was one of your victories today?
2. What is the most ridiculous thing you’ve done in the past
month?
3. Name one good thing, one bad thing, and one God thing
from the past week.
Be honest.
If this is a stranger or mild acquaintance, don’t feel the need to drop every single struggle you’ve had this week in their lap. Be honest, but don’t rip your chest open and hand your heart to the girl next to you in math class. That’s just messy and gross.
Short interactions that last longer than twenty seconds have the potential to be more meaningful than we give them credit for. It doesn’t have to be an awkward stumble through mumbles of good and fine. Even if your conversation is cut even shorter, a question to make the other person think will be better for both of you than brief pleasantries.
You don’t have to engage in a deep discussion of theology every time someone sits next to you. But you also don’t have to ask superficial questions with results holding no more substance than the silence you broke. Let your interactions have meaning – even the small ones.
