How To Drink A White Claw
Entertainment

5 Times I Slugged Down Some White Claws With Jesus Christ Himself

Drinking White Claws with Jesus has practically become a part of my normal routine.

560
5 Times I Slugged Down Some White Claws With Jesus Christ Himself
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=firi2kI_Flc

The past couple of weeks have been rather strange for me. Like, nothing too out of the ordinary, just slightly odd. I keep finding myself drinking White Claw Hard Seltzer with the Son of God Himself, Jesus Christ. Apparently, Jesus is like the biggest fan of White Claw ever, so he keeps descending from the Heavens on random occasions to toss back a few Claws. I'm not sure why I'm suddenly his go-to guy for when he's in the mood for a Claw, but it's looking that way for some reason. Here are the five times that Jesus and I have gotten a little White Claw crazy.

1. The Time Jesus First Tried White Claws

https://pixabay.com/photos/christ-jesus-religion-mosaic-898330/

So there I was, watching a movie at home while sipping on a Black Cherry Claw. Suddenly, I saw a beam of light descend from the sky and before I knew it, Jesus Himself was standing right in front of me. He looked at me and said "My child, I have come back to this world because I must try the alcoholic seltzer beverage known as White Claw." I mean he's Jesus, so naturally, I gave him my Claw so he could take a sip. "Heavens above," Jesus replied. "This is better than holy water!" Jesus quickly chugged down the rest of the Claw, but then wanted more. I was down to get drunk with Jesus that night, so I grabbed a few more White Claws from the fridge and drank them with Jesus. Some nights just don't go how you expect them to, I guess.

2. The Time Jesus Needed Me To Buy Him A White Claw Variety Pack

https://pixabay.com/photos/sculpture-christ-figure-3408348/

So, I sort of thought that drinking White Claws with Jesus was going to be a one-time thing, but before I knew it, He showed up at my house again. He then asked me if I could please buy him a White Claw variety pack from the store. I was a little bit confused so I asked why Jesus couldn't just buy some White Claws himself, to which he said "bro, I'm the son of God, I don't have an ID. Plus, I'm a little bit cash strapped right now." The whole thing was a little strange, but I thought to myself, the guy did die on a cross so that I could live an eternal life free of sin or something like that, so I guess the least I can do is hook him up with some Claws. I got him a variety pack, which we shared. "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the White Claw," said Jesus as he shotgunned a Raspberry one.

3. The Time Jesus Turned Regular Seltzer Water Into White Claw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FApbkER3uIY

This time, I was walking back to my car after work when of course, Jesus showed up with an insatiable craving for White Claws. I was like, seriously? Again? But, it's not like I really had a choice. At that point, Jesus told me to pop into the nearest convenience store and pick up some regular seltzer water. I was confused, so I asked Him if He would rather me pick up some White Claws instead. "No," he replied. "Trust me." I got the regular seltzer water and gave it to Jesus, at which point he simply waved his hand over it and transformed it into a variety pack of White Claw! But, not just any variety pack, one that also had Mango! It was one of the most incredible things I had ever seen. I said "Wow Jesus, that was so cool!" He then replied, "I can turn water into wine, obviously I can turn seltzer water into White Claw." Naturally, we each grabbed a Mango Claw. "Why do they serve wine in Church to represent my blood?" Jesus asked. "The only thing running through my veins is White Claw, bro."

4. The Time Jesus Almost Waged An All Out War On Truly Hard Seltzer

https://pixabay.com/photos/armageddon-disaster-destruction-war-2721568/

A short time later I was back at the store, buying White Claws for Jesus once again. Apparently, he's not really supposed to perform miracles relating to alcohol, so he wanted me to purchase another variety pack the old-fashioned way, even though it had no Mango. However, I had Jesus come into the store with me this time because he had never actually been inside a grocery store. We went into the area with all the alcohol, and as I was grabbing the Claws something caught Jesus' eye. He angrily exclaimed "Truly Hard Seltzer! What is this abomination? Why have anything other than White Claw? Why? There is only one true hard seltzer, just like there is only one true God! I shall call upon the armies of Heaven to destroy this travesty and restore peace to the world once again!" I watched Jesus start to summon an army of Heavenly Beings, as he equated drinking Truly to worshipping another deity other than Him. "Woah there, chill out Jesus!" I said. "Everyone knows White Claw is where it's at, Truly is nothing compared to the Claw." I was eventually able to calm Jesus down and have him call off the army, convincing him that White Claw and Truly are perfectly capable of co-existing. After that, we just chilled and drank some Ruby Grapefruit Claws.

5. The Time Jesus Was Upset Because God Was Being Mean To Him

https://pixabay.com/photos/cross-church-faith-religion-1979473/

I must admit, at this point I was getting a little annoyed with Jesus randomly showing up and wanting to drink White Claws with me. But, there He was again. I guess God wasn't too happy that Jesus was spending so much time on Earth drinking White Claws, so Jesus said to Him "Oh yeah, what are you going to do? Nail me to a cross?" Then naturally, Jesus descended to Earth to drink more Claws. As he chugged back a Natural Lime Claw, He said "don't nail me to a cross unless we drinkin Claws." He said He plans on adding that phrase to the Bible as soon as he gets a chance. Jesus and I drank a lot of White Claws that night. Like, a lot. I was super hungover the next morning.

Those are the five times that I have drank White Claws with the Messiah Himself, Jesus Christ. If you can't tell, Jesus really likes White Claws. I like them too, but not quite as much as Jesus does.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Swoon

119 People Reveal How The Pandemic Has Affected Their Love Lives, And Honestly... Relatable

"I haven't been able to get out of the 'talking phase' with anyone."

The reality is, there's no part of life the pandemic hasn't affected. Whether it's your work life, your home life, your social life, or your love life, coronavirus (COVID-19) is wreaking havoc on just about everything — not to mention people's health.

When it comes to romance, in particular, people are all handling things differently and there's no "right way" of making it through, regardless of your relationship status (single, taken, married, divorced, you name it). So, some of Swoon's creators sought out to hear from various individuals on how exactly their love lives have been affected since quarantine began.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

Nordstrom's Biggest Sale Has The Most Legendary Deals On Luxury Beauty Brands We've Ever Seen

Counting down the days to the Chanel box set gracing my front door.

I oftentimes (excessively) use the excuse of my job as a writer to justify my excessive spending habits.

I needed the new Huda Beauty palette before anyone else in the name of journalistic integrity. It was my job to test out the new Francis Kurkdjian fragrance to make sure I could tell people whether or not it was truly worth the splurge (it was).

Keep Reading... Show less

Listen, you can do whatever you want with your free time. It's yours to spend and you have free range. However, I hope you recognize that there are a ton of proactive things you can do right now instead of stalking your man's ex – yes, I know you do it becuase we are all guilty of it.

Take this time to research your privilege. There are always new things to learn and ways to deepen your understanding of yourself, this world, and your surroundings. We live in a multi-dimensional, ever-changing society that needs your help and your time. By that, I mean there are so many layers to each and every one of us, and with our physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional selves, we can create real, positive change.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

Preview These Top Nordstrom Anniversary Sale 2020 Picks — From Luxury Purses To Skincare

Currently 3 million people viewing the Stella McCartney purse I absolutely must have.

Online shopping has been a guilty pleasure of ours for years, but now more than ever it's been a shopping lover's outlet for all our home redecorating projects and resort wear we're purchasing for that trip we had to cancel.

One of my favorite places to (virtually) window shop has always been Nordstrom. I admittedly can't afford to go on sprees there often, but I still get a high off of adding things to my cart I know I'll never actually end up buying. But sometimes, that's not enough — that's when I, like the masses of luxury-, beauty-, fashion-, and decor-lovers around the world count the days down to the annual Nordstrom Anniversary Sale.

Keep Reading... Show less

I remember the days where closet drinking before going to a party or bar was part of the night's itinerary. It was a requirement to have a good buzz flowing before calling the Uber to take you to that bar where you see everyone from your high school at. The pregames were the best part of the night, but it wasn't ever because of the alcohol, it was because of the atmosphere and those who were in it. The number of times I've heard "Wait, why aren't you drinking tonight? C'mon, get drunk with us" is endless, but think about it. Where were you when you were asked that? You were at the goddamn pregame and being there doesn't mean you need to be ripping shots. Being social doesn't require alcohol.

I asked 20 people how they cut back on alcohol while still being social.

Keep Reading... Show less

Whether you are quarantining away from your significant other because of coronavirus or separated by the country lines at this time, it's fair to say that long-distance relationships are tough no matter what. However, there are ways to show love from a distance whether that's through daily FaceTime calls, cute Snapchats, or sexy pics sent to them on their phone. You can brighten up their day even more with some of these unique gifts that can fit any price range and a variety of interests.

Keep Reading... Show less

Rihanna is known for many things: her music, fashion, makeup, and now skincare. As a makeup artist myself, I can confidently say that she rocked the makeup world when she released her makeup line in 2017 and has been influencing the beauty world ever since.

Trying some of her makeup products myself, I know that she doesn't skimp on quality, and even though some of her products may be a little pricey, trust me, you get what you pay for.

Keep Reading... Show less

Friends, no one needs to be reminded that the COVID-19 pandemic rages on in the U.S. Frankly, this is because we have all collectively decided not to do the one simple thing that was asked of us and wear a mask.

I could make this a very boring article, and berate you with facts and statistics and the importance of wearing a mask, but I have opted against that for both of our sakes. Instead, I will attempt to reach you in another way. You might not care about a disapproving look from me, but from Nick Miller? Maybe that will be enough to change your mind.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments