On Valentine’s Day weekend of 2015, the "Fifty Shades of Grey" movie was released and nobody would stop talking about it... Women especially. People were either extremely pissed, referring to it as “Fifty Shades of Abuse,”or they would mysteriously smile and say “I’m so excited for this movie, it’s so hot!” The world of Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism (BDSM) was totally new to me; I knew it was a sexual preference that sometimes involved inflicting or receiving pain, but I was wondering if people were mad about "Fifty Shades of Grey" because it was actually abusive, or because it was a form of sexual pleasure they were unfamiliar with that made them uncomfortable. So, I decided to read it. After reading the whole book, I decided that it was, in fact, abusive… But not for the reasons you’d expect. It’s an abusive relationship because Christian is a manipulative stalker who coerces Ana into sexual acts she is unsure of, rather than the principles of BDSM itself.
"Fifty Shades of Grey" is definitely an awful example of a proper BDSM relationship and of the BDSM-realm in general, but it did introduce me to some basic aspects of BDSM. "Fifty Shades of Grey" was a game-changer in embracing sexuality, because it was the first time in this century that made the secret, taboo world of BDSM something that people talked about. In the world of internet porn, many secretive sexual preferences that people thought were "weird" have become legitimate kinks, and for the first time, people can see that their dirty bedroom secrets are more common than they'd have thought.
Sex is a beautiful, intimate experience to share with somebody, and it requires a lot of initial trust, which is why the world of BDSM and other kinks can be a little scary. The idea that being spanked, tied up, humiliated, etc. goes against our fundamental beliefs as humans. We're brought up to believe that it's wrong to hurt people, which is why it is a huge juxtaposition in the human body because the human mind might say "this is wrong,"while the human body might say "this feels so right."
It also doesn't help that the pop culture image of BDSM is Christian (the dominant), and Ana (the submissive), because as a society, we have worked so hard over the previous centuries to break the gender stereotype that men are superior to women. BDSM is enough to anger feminists because it makes them wonder "why would you consent to being controlled by a man?"
On the contrary, being in a BDSM relationship is actually very liberating and pro-feminism. Embracing sexuality is a big challenge because even though kinks are becoming more widely-accepted, they are still a very private thing and people are embarrassed to admit they have them. If a person is able to embrace their sexuality, more power to them! They know what gets them going, and they're going out and finding a sexual partner that works for them instead of settling for a lackluster sex life. It takes a strong woman to say "I like being spanked and tied up, I need to find a man who will do that to me."
Additionally, there are many different types of BDSM and kinky relationships, many of which involve a female dominant. I think a much more accurate portrayal of the dynamics of a BDSM relationship is David Ives' play "Venus In Fur" (adapted into a French film in 2013), because it shows how dominant a woman can be, and also how easily the roles can change between two people.
While we are the most civilized of the animal kingdom, we as humans are still a part of the animal kingdom. Often times we forget that in the sophistication of our civilization, but we must keep in mind that even we have primal instincts. We can't control what makes us sexually excited. As long as any sexual act you perform is 100% consensual between you and a partner, then it doesn't matter whether you are full-blown bondage in the bedroom or you barely hold hands. Embrace your kinks, everyone! And more importantly, don't judge other people for their kinks or make assumptions about who they are as people. A person's bedroom life is totally different than their everyday life.
