They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but what they don't say is that beauty can lead to some unhealthy obsessions. In high school I had your typical hormonal acne flare ups that would go away after plastering loads and loads of over the counter acne cream. It wasn't until sophomore year of high school that I noticed my skin beginning to break out more than usual. As ridiculous as this may seem, I slowly allowed for a few bumps to control my life.
Each morning, I would look in the mirror wondering if I needed better skin care products or if I should have popped that one pimple last night. My obsession for perfect skin grew as my skin worsened. I began to observe and judge every angle of imperfection, which only made me extremely insecure of myself. I no longer enjoyed being in public because that meant having to expose my bare face. I attempted to cover up my blemishes with makeup, but it only defined what I was trying to hide. I would ask my friends and family members if they saw what I saw, but "they didn't even notice unless I mentioned it." At this time, I was playing sports and held some pretty important positions in school. Both things made me embarrassed to be a part of since I knew people had to look at me.
Eventually, I got checked up by a dermatologist and was prescribed an antibiotic called doxycycline, which treats acne from the inside rather than the outside. After several months, I was back to having clear skin and eventually stopped taking doxycycline. My skin was the least of my worries for a while until the same issue became slightly worse. I was 18 and I had more pimples than a preteen hitting puberty. I had several people come up to me suggesting that maybe I should wash my face more often or try an acne cream for once. Are. You. Serious. If they only knew that I washed my face twice a day and had bought almost every skin care treatment known to man. I was upset and confused since I had gone through this rodeo already, and had taken medication for it.
My first approach to this was seeing if I could treat it naturally by loading up on lots of vitamin A, C and Lysine pills. I Youtubed every natural way of removing and preventing acne, which required me to use bizzare food items. I even went out and bought an expensive seven step sulfur acne treatment that did nothing but burn my already damaged skin. All methods if anything worsened my skin since there wasn't anything that could treat it externally.
Yet again, a few pimples controlled my life for about five months. Not only did it look bad, but it felt uncomfortable to wash and was somewhat painful on my lower jaw.
I hated looking at myself so much that I avoided mirrors at all cost. I didn't like having photos taken anymore so I would avoid cameras and group pictures. I would even cancel plans with friends because I didn't want to face people judging my skin. After a few months, I went to the dermatologist and again, was given doxycycline. Only this time the antibiotic did nothing. After many discussions and conversations, I was finally prescribed a low dosage of accutane. This news shocked my mother and I since accutane is usually a last resort.
Accutane is a controversial acne pill that honestly has more cons than pros because of its nasty side effects. However, I was desperate and nothing over the counter was working so I decided to chance it. The first few months were a bit disappointing since I expected it to get rid of my acne, not make it look worse. It took about four months to see progress, but I began experiencing some of the nasty side effects such as headaches and photosensitivity. After half a year, I had little to no blemish, but was left with a lot of hyperpigmentation.
As I began to see progress, I began to realize that the ones who loved me never saw or treated me differently. My peers and teammates never stopped me from achieving because I had a bad breakout. The ones who judged me had no right to since we all have our flaws even if they are not physically visible. Most importantly, I learned that I cannot let something so little ruin my life or how I view myself. I wish all the times I had canceled on friends or stayed out of a photo that I could have told myself that these were moments I could not get back. My acne was not something I controlled and therefore should not control me. Throughout this acne journey I learned that some things are not as big as we make them see. Only we give them the power to seem that big.
