College exists because of education. And this is true no matter how many times the tank-topped, half-bearded guy behind you throws ping pong balls at the back of your head and repeats, “bro... bro... bro,” until you give up and just throw your textbook into a solar-powered wood-chipper (I’ve been trying to make my metaphors more environmentally friendly). Although there is much else to do, and much else to experience, the reason the collegiate system exists is to educate you and turn you into a more intelligent citizen, which I find hilarious because, in a lot of ways, college makes you dumber by the day.

A few years ago, I used to zone out in my free time just to see how far my intellectual brain could go, to see what lengths my mind would reach to just to experience a new thought or idea. Now for some reason whenever I zone out, the only thing that runs through my head is a talking Chick-Fil-A sandwich convincing me to go back to bed. College is slowly breaking down our minds, and here’s how. 

1. College makes healthy learning habits incompatible with success

Psychological studies show, without fail, that the most effective studying is spread out over time, with breaks in-between, and plenty of rest. Students perform best when they follow an even schedule filled with plenty of sleep and exercise. Cramming has been proven, many times, to be inefficient. However, college is structured in a way where the material goes so quickly that you are already behind when you are assigned the material. Everything is cramming. So when you include the thousands of other responsibilities you have, you resort to ultra-cramming, losing sleep, and gently stroking a tree asking it for its wisdom, which are just not practical ways to learn.  

2. College has attractive people

I can’t give you an exact statistic, but I would guess 500 percent to 700 percent of every intentional dumb thing ever done by anyone, was done to impress or attract the attention of an attractive member of the opposite sex. The Revolutionary War was an attempt to impress cute French women. Sam accompanied Frodo to Mordor to impress the cute Hobbit girl he danced with at the beginning of the series. And college is a place swarming with attractive people at the peak of their attractiveness. So, everyone with a healthy sex drive goes to bed at night having done at least six to seven incredibly moronic things in order to impress an attractive potential mate. 

3. College teaches you that you can only be smart in one thing

I’m not saying that the concept of a major is necessarily a flawed one, but it does give one the mindset that people are mostly just capable of being intelligent in their specific field of learning. Being an English major leads people to be astonished when I can add a few numbers, and not surprised when I can’t. Conversely, I applaud any science/math major who can note that "Animal Farm" isn’t a poorly written biology textbook. Attending a university qualifies us all as generally intelligent people, but our major is essentially a label that states, “I’m dumb in everything except what I majored in.” Soon, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I’m stuck using my calculator to help me change the channel on TV.

4. College is structured as a competition

Even if you’re not trying to get into med school, grad school or law school, there will probably be a situation where you need your GPA to shine. Cs may get degrees, but Cs don’t get you into the most selective club on campus, and maybe not even your major. And when your grade depends so much on to what degree your grade is better than your neighbor’s, yeah, you want to beat his ass. So, instead of the learning experience in college being a process of enlightenment, it’s almost like the professor throws out a juicy steak of information into a lecture hall full of starving wolves, and you have to eat more than your neighbor so that you can be better equipped to survive. In many situations, you are not learning to learn but, rather, you are reaching for a number that is higher than the next person's.

5. College makes you feel smart in the areas where you are really dumb

College can make you feel sort of bad about yourself when you get a bad grade on a test or essay, but when it comes to the real world, college makes you feel like a roided-up, toga-clad god or goddess who knows more about feeding yourself and social issues than a theoretical love child between Ghandi and Rachel Ray. Because all you have to compare yourself to is high school, you -- who could never entirely distinguish between a debit card and a ham sandwich, feel pretty damn clever. But we forget that we are brand new to all of this stuff, and really are not very good at any of it. Our overconfidence ignores this fact, and we go head-first into issues and responsibilities that we don’t actually know jack about, like voting and grocery shopping. 

6. College convinces you that there is more to life than ball

Sure, basketball is a pretty significant part of college life. NCAA basketball is one of the most beloved pastimes in America, and recreational basketball is a great way to kill a lazy Tuesday afternoon. But, there are so many distractions in college besides ball, and it makes you think that there are more important things in this world -- like studying, a social life, money, and your future -- when, truly, ball is life and life is ball.