Every “sister” knows a few things that are true in order to participate in the unwritten contract of sisterhood. Since I’ve abandoned my own dear sister to head off to college, I’ve had some time and distance to reflect on our contract which includes the following content:
Section A. Quotas
1. Outfits worn by both big and little sisters must contain at least one item of the other sister’s clothing, this may be accomplished by borrowing-without-asking (in order of popularity)
a. Outerwear: Sweaters/sweatshirts/coats
b. “Cute” shirts and “pretty” dresses
c. Shoes that have been purchased recently
d. Any and all accessories: necklaces, earrings, scarves,
e. Favorite soft jeans
f. Underwear exception; bras and socks are permitted to be “borrowed” only on laundry days in dire circumstances.
2. Sisters must be an irritant to each other on a frequent basis, this is easily accomplished by the following acts:
a. The aforementioned “borrowing-without-asking” clothing.
b. Applying a sister’s eye shadow or lipstick followed by leaving it on the bathroom counter. (Contingent on not asking permission.)
c. Leaving a heap of dirty underwear and clothes on shared bathroom floor. Add wet towels for an assured reaction.
d. Informing a parent about something that could have remained unsaid, like what Netflix show they were watching when she said she was doing homework.
e. When the older sister goes to college, she must take as many clothes of the younger sister as she can sneak away. The younger sister must match this gesture by wearing any clothing the older sister left behind. These items can be exchanged over breaks.
Due to the aforementioned quota, warfare is inevitable. See Section B for guidelines on sibling warfare.
Section B. Sister Warfare
a. Sibling warfare can occur by the escalation and over-productivity in the annoyance category. Tactics can include confiscation of property, the silent treatment, angry conversations at increased volume, and parental intervention (see part b).
b. Sibling warfare using parenting involves the siblings utilizing parents as a weapon. The technical term in family diction would be "tattle-taling". This tactic must be used with caution because its outcome is not totally predictable and backfiring is possible, i.e., everyone grounded for the weekend
c. Sibling warfare is necessary when caused by a sibling borrowing a prized possession with or without permission and the occurrence of said item breaking while in her possession. In cases such as these parents are almost always brought in because peaceable resolution is rare in sister-to-sister arbitration.
d. There is a statute of limitations on the amount of a time a sister can be mad or the offending sister can amend the situation. For friends, the statute is 2 years. For sisters, the statute is 2 weeks. Unlike friends, frenemies, and enemies, sisters must always make up as part of the benefits clause (see Section C).
Section C. Benefits
1. Frivolous gifts - Sisters often purchase sisters frivolous gifts that parents would not purchase them for birthdays and holidays. Items such as perfumed lotions and candles, make-up, things that are fluffy and feathery, and items for a spa day
2. Experienced counseling services - Older sisters must help younger sisters deal with difficult grades and impossible teachers.
3. College apparel - If the older sister goes to college, the younger sister sports as much apparel from that college as the older sister buys her.
4. Sisterhood! - Sisters always stand up for each other and that’s what it’s all about.
