Jaxson’s concentration is fixed on the TV, sweat dripping down his brow as he fiddles with the console, tongue sticking out from between his teeth. His blonde hair is a mess.
Next to him is Steve, a slightly nerdy looking boy with glasses. He is peacefully reading a textbook.
There is a beep from Jaxson’s phone. He picks it up, sliding it open with his thumb.
“Oh sweet, my phone is updated now. I heard Siri is supposed to be so much better now,” Jaxson says.
Steve scoffs. “Yeah right. Why is she supposed to be better?”
“I heard she’s able to analyze a person’s body and tell them how they are feeling,” Jaxson holds the phone closer to him. “Hey Siri, how am I feeling today?
The phone beeps back, and Siri’s robotic voice rises from the phone. “You are feeling hungry.”
Steve huffs and turns a page in his book. “That’s just stupid. No one needs Siri to tell them how they are feeling.”
Siri interrupts. “And Steve is feeling ‘Wow, that is so cool that Siri can do that.'"
Steve and Jaxson look down at the phone, looking horrified.
“How does she know my name??” Steve leaps up on the couch, practically falling over the back of it. “And that isn’t true! That’s not even a real feeling!”
Jaxson shrugs. “I have her programmed to all of my contact’s voices so she knows who is asking the question.”
Steve sits down slowly. “Admittedly that is pretty cool. But why would that be useful? Who cares who is asking the question?"
Siri answers. “Because Steve, I will answer Jaxson with sophisticated answers that he will understand and for you, Steve, I will answer with more simplified and easier answers.”
Steve jumps back out of his seat. “What the?? Are you calling me stupid? Wait, you’re a phone! How can you judge people’s intelligence?”
“I’m sorry, Steve, but that answer is too complicated for my system to simplify for you to understand,” Siri says.
Jaxson scoots forward on his seat. “Translate it for me then, Siri.
“I can judge intelligence by listening to a person’s voice and how stupid it sounds. Steve’s voice is very stupid, and therefore his intelligence is very low.”
Steve looks appalled. “Hey! I’m in a choir you know, and my teacher says my voice is very beautiful.”
Siri beeps. “I just looked up Steve’s grades in his choir class. His teacher has written a comment that says “Steve’s voice is so bad, I worry that if I tell him how bad it is he will literally die’.”
“I didn’t even ask a question!” Steve exclaims.
Siri beeps again. “You’re voice is so stupid, it’s hard to tell when you are voicing a question or a comment.”
Steve throws down his book. “That’s it, I don’t have to deal with this. A phone can’t bring down my confidence. It doesn’t know anything.”
“I have analyzed your body temperature, Steve. Your self-worth has diminished from a 75% loving-one-self to a low 20% self-loathing,” Siri’s robotic voice explains.
“Wow! This is amazing!” Jaxson exclaims.
Steve huffs and snatches the phone from Jaxson. “Fine, if its all knowing let’s see if it can calculate the future. What is Jaxson going to get a job as?”
“He will be a doctor and win a million dollars.”
Jaxson pumps his fist. “Sweet! What will Steve do?”
“He will fail in every subject except underwater-basket-weaving and then die by a shark.”
“What the-? A shark?
“Yes,” says Siri.
Jaxson snatches the phone. “Will I ever get married?”
“No.”
“YES!! Wait what?” Jaxson asks.
Steve takes the phone. “Will I become famous for underwater-basket-weaving?
Siri pauses. “Yes.”
“DANG IT!!” Steve throws the phone, but Jaxson catches it.
“Will the Cougars win the football game?” Jaxson asks.
Siri beeps and takes a moment to come up with an answer. “I do not believe that cougars can play football.
“Aha!” Steve laughs and points a finger at the phone. “She proves inferior to our short-term references.”
Siri beeps. “You are inferior to short-term references.”
“Your mom is inferior to short-term references!!” Steve yells.
Siri’s voice gets more snobby. “Your mom is so fat, she doesn’t need the internet, she’s already World Wide.”
Steve’s face is horrified. “What the? How is that supposed to make Siri better??”
Jaxson laughs and holds the phone close to him like it’s a precious kitten. “I heard they updated her with your-mom jokes. It’s supposed to make her seem more realistic.”
Steve shakes his fist at the sky “Curse the day Apple ever invented you, you dark witch!”
Surprisingly, Siri responds. “April 28, 2010 has now been cursed. “
There is a short awkward pause.
Steve rips the phone from Jaxson’s hands and shouts to it, “Curse the day Jaxson was born!”
“Dude, that’s your birthday too—“
Jaxson vanishes in a puff of smoke. Steve stares at the floor where he was standing for a second.
“What did you do with him? Hold it, why am I still here?? “
Siri beeps. “Your life already sucks. There is no way for me to curse it.”
